Today, I am a bad blogger. Well, I have been. I've been spending all of my non blogging time trying to write out the last two or three posts to go with Clara's birth story. I know I've kind of fallen off my dreadful pregnancy story line but let me just tell you that the posts that have been put up are a lot more happy and shiny than the ones related to my pregnancy and Clara's birth. I promise I'll have them up soon though. That was one of the biggest reasons I came back to my blog was to spread the word and to help other women, who have gone through the same thing. I want to help them share and help them heal. I want all of you know that you are not alone in this and that it does get better as time goes on. I remember the first few blogs I read about infant loss. When I took to the blogs to search for someone, any one, who would or even could understand what and how I was feeling, it was a relief (if you can call our awful situations reliefs) that there were other women out there who had gone through the same thing and there were women out there who were pouring out their hearts and feelings on their blogs 3 months after their loss, 6 months after their loss and even a year and more after their loss. It gave me hope.
If any one takes away anything from this blog, I hope that it is the comfort of knowing that life can go on. Life does go on. I know it sounds cheesy but each day is what you make it and each day is a new day. That's how I like to think about this journey. Yes, we have all experienced the most difficult thing that we may ever go through and it sure as heck wasn't something we planned nor wanted. We were not in control. We had no say, no choice. We were chosen for this journey and why? Well, we will probably never know. What I do know is that there is hope. Take each day at a time. If you are sad today, be sad. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to go out and be happy, go for it. It's okay to cry in public. Even if you're out having a great time and all of a sudden you feel overwhelmed and need to cry, do it. People will look and people may stare but that's okay too because one of them may be one of us too.
I hope that I have not offended any one. I guess, I wrote these words tonight because, these are things that I needed to hear when I was new in this life. The life after loss. I needed to hear these things and for someone to tell me these things. I needed the hope that my life would continue. That I could still have relationships with my family and friends like I did before. Yes, the relationships are different now but they are still there. Sometimes I feel like I have many lives. I have my professional life, student life, personal life, home life, happy life, grieving life and real life. Well, all of those make up my real life but sometimes it feels like a charade. I can be happy and catch frequent glimpses of the old me in my professional life but when no one is around and I have my grieving life that's who I am and what I do. I am a grieving mother, grieving the loss of my daughter but the I can go out with a friend and spend sometime in my happy life before I go back to my personal or grieving life. Have any of you felt like that? Have you felt as if you have many lives or wear so many hats. Tell me about and let's share!! I've found so many wonderful and supportive things on all of your blogs. They have helped me find my hope and I hope that I can help you find yours as well.
*remembering baby Clara, born too soon*
Love you Lots
Miss you Much!