My life today is something new that I think I'm going to start doing. It is just a random post about what I did today and how I've been feeling. Overall I've felt well. Really well, in fact. Somedays I even seem to forget that I am who I am and that my life has gone down a path that I never ever thought it would. Then, I feel guilty. I feel bad that I didn't think of baby Clara the other day or when I was driving to lunch. I feel sad that I don't have the hope of my daughters love, the anticipation of her arrival or the joy of pregnancy. Today I felt like a train wreck. Well, it started yesterday...
Yesterday was my first full day back at work since Clara was born. I was actually really excited to be there and to be going back to my normal schedule. Getting back to normalcy! I woke up early, got everything ready, got Noah ready and out the door we went. It was such a good morning, in fact, that even Noah was in a good cooperative mood. He had a great morning and when I dropped him off at school he even went right in to playing with his friends and told be good bye, have a great day, I'll see you soon and I love you. He had a good morning! I felt so good in fact, I tried to listed to Evanescence My Immortal. I've always loved that song but after losing Clara I couldn't bear to hear the lyrics.
"I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase"
Truer words were never spoken. I know it's more of a break up song but Lord how those words pierce my heart. I thought that since it was such a good day, that I may be strong enough to listen to it. Well, I wasn't. I cried a little and quickly changed the song. I wanted my good day, and so I pressed on. I had a good morning, a great morning!! Around lunchtime I got a call from the school saying that Noah was in trouble. I don't know what happened but Noah had hit another child, multiple times on his back. Some how Noah was sitting on a kid and just going to town on him. I was shocked! I don't even think I had time to be angry at Noah. I was just shocked. They put him on the phone with me and I talked to him. They let him stay the rest of the day at school and he seemed fine when I picked him up.
Yesterday really stressed me out. I mean my sweet little boy beat up another kid?!? REALLY?!? Then when I was stressed about that I realized that I was also stressed out about baby Clara. Stressed and overwhelmed by everything! Funny thing was, two days ago I was just fine! I had my 6 week postpartum check up with Dr. T. She suggested ordering all of the blood clotting factor tests for me. I was great. I even laughed it off when she said that I may have PTSD. Today, I'm not so sure.
All day I had this feeling of impending doom. My arm and my back have been burning and achy. Maybe it was just my stress or tension getting to me. I was so worried about it I ran to my cardiologist, Dr. W, who was very gentle with me. He smiled and said I was okay. Still, the pain and the sadness continues. I couldn't even fake it at work, everyone knew I was down and I couldn't talk to my best friend without crying and I'm not a crying person. I AM STRONG! I don't cry over the loss of my daughter I cry over the loss of her future. I don't cry because I'm hurt, I cry because I'm scared but no matter why I cry I don't do it for other people and certainly not at work! Today I couldn't hold it back. Then, tonight I got home and I can't seem to do anything. I didn't cook dinner. I didn't do any laundry. I didn't even stay at Noah's baseball game. He didn't feel well and I didn't want to push him to stay because I didn't feel well either. My back, shoulder and chest still burn and I'm sad. I went outside to check on the hubs and Noah since they were out there and on my way back in through the garage I just started crying. I cried and I cried. When does this get easier?!? Does the pain fade?! Yesterday I talked to my husband about trying again and future pregnancies but today I don't want any more babies. I don't want to be pregnant, ever. I want to be normal, to feel normal. I want to control my emotions again and I want to live my life but in my life today, I'm not doing that. I'm back at day one and I am a mess...