Thursday, May 10, 2012

My life today.

My life today is something new that I think I'm going to start doing. It is just a random post about what I did today and how I've been feeling. Overall I've felt well. Really well, in fact. Somedays I even seem to forget that I am who I am and that my life has gone down a path that I never ever thought it would. Then, I feel guilty. I feel bad that I didn't think of baby Clara the other day or when I was driving to lunch. I feel sad that I don't have the hope of my daughters love, the anticipation of her arrival or the joy of pregnancy. Today I felt like a train wreck. Well, it started yesterday...

Yesterday was my first full day back at work since Clara was born. I was actually really excited to be there and to be going back to my normal schedule. Getting back to normalcy! I woke up early, got everything ready, got Noah ready and out the door we went. It was such a good morning, in fact, that even Noah was in a good cooperative mood. He had a great morning and when I dropped him off at school he even went right in to playing with his friends and told be good bye, have a great day, I'll see you soon and I love you. He had a good morning! I felt so good in fact, I tried to listed to Evanescence My Immortal. I've always loved that song but after losing Clara I couldn't bear to hear the lyrics.

"I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

'Cause your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase"

Truer words were never spoken. I know it's more of a break up song but Lord how those words pierce my heart. I thought that since it was such a good day, that I may be strong enough to listen to it. Well, I wasn't. I cried a little and quickly changed the song. I wanted my good day, and so I pressed on. I had a good morning, a great morning!! Around lunchtime I got a call from the school saying that Noah was in trouble. I don't know what happened but Noah had hit another child, multiple times on his back. Some how Noah was sitting on a kid and just going to town on him. I was shocked! I don't even think I had time to be angry at Noah. I was just shocked. They put him on the phone with me and I talked to him. They let him stay the rest of the day at school and he seemed fine when I picked him up.

Yesterday really stressed me out. I mean my sweet little boy beat up another kid?!? REALLY?!? Then when I was stressed about that I realized that I was also stressed out about baby Clara. Stressed and overwhelmed by everything! Funny thing was, two days ago I was just fine! I had my 6 week postpartum check up with Dr. T. She suggested ordering all of the blood clotting factor tests for me. I was great. I even laughed it off when she said that I may have PTSD. Today, I'm not so sure.

All day I had this feeling of impending doom. My arm and my back have been burning and achy. Maybe it was just my stress or tension getting to me. I was so worried about it I ran to my cardiologist, Dr. W, who was very gentle with me. He smiled and said I was okay. Still, the pain and the sadness continues. I couldn't even fake it at work, everyone knew I was down and I couldn't talk to my best friend without crying and I'm not a crying person. I AM STRONG! I don't cry over the loss of my daughter I cry over the loss of her future. I don't cry because I'm hurt, I cry because I'm scared but no matter why I cry I don't do it for other people and certainly not at work! Today I couldn't hold it back. Then, tonight I got home and I can't seem to do anything. I didn't cook dinner. I didn't do any laundry. I didn't even stay at Noah's baseball game. He didn't feel well and I didn't want to push him to stay because I didn't feel well either. My back, shoulder and chest still burn and I'm sad. I went outside to check on the hubs and Noah since they were out there and on my way back in through the garage I just started crying. I cried and I cried. When does this get easier?!? Does the pain fade?! Yesterday I talked to my husband about trying again and future pregnancies but today I don't want any more babies. I don't want to be pregnant, ever. I want to be normal, to feel normal. I want to control my emotions again and I want to live my life but in my life today, I'm not doing that. I'm back at day one and I am a mess...


  1. Oh sweetie I am so sorry about your day. I have days like that too. Sometimes the sadness just hits you like a ton of bricks and the only way to get past it is to walk through it. I've noticed that those days seem to come a little further apart now but they still happen. I hate that I have a "new me" and a "new normal" one where I know intense pain and sadness but I don't hate who I've become. Sometimes I too wonder if there will ever be a time again when my laughter and smile wont have sadness behind it. Praying for you friend. Wish I could give you a big hug.

  2. Oh my friend it will get better. Like you said there are good days and bad days just hold on through the bad, and know it will get better. I had a bad day to but I know tomorrow will be better. Be gentle with yourself I still do not do a lot of my normal things. Please know you are not alone. If you even need to just chat or vent or ask for prayer email me I am so very sorry you feel so bad today I am praying for you now, BUG((( HUGS)))

  3. My heart goes out to you... sounds like you're having a really rough time. Be gentle on yourself and hang in there... the ups and downs are so hard and I wish there was something that I could do to ease the pain. Know that we're all here for you... love always xoxo

  4. It's ok to cry. I find myself in the same boat as you sometimes... I normally don't cry.. but I do find myself doing it sometimes, and sometimes it's in strange places... I started bawling at the Zoo of all places not long ago. I know how that guilt feels when you're living your life, happy almost, then it hits you that you haven't thought of your baby... a lady asked me one time, if my son was the only child I had and I told her yes without thinking, then felt horrible, that I hadn't acknowledged my sweet Jake. It's so very hard to grieve. I really hate it. My son was born still at 23 weeks 5 days in February... I can't say being without him has gotten any easier. I hope you have a better day today. You're in my prayers.

  5. I am so sorry on the loss of your sweet Clara. Please don't be hard on yourself, this grief journey is so difficult! For a long time, I couldn't function beyond the very basics (and even then I had days I just laid around). Some days it's just one hour at a time, and tha is ok. This journey is full of ups and downs and you aren't alone. {{{hugs}}} & saying a prayer for you.

    Visiting from Tesha's

  6. I found you on Tesha's link-up.

    Oh, I so relate. I want to feel normal too. But, I realize that no matter how much time passes, yes the grief may changed, but it will always be there. It just becomes our "new normal."

    This is a quote I posted on my blog recently that I read in a book:

    "Her life had moved on, and she tried her best to live in the moment. But their baby remained in the shadows, a constant presence, there in Emma's mind the way the date or day of the week was there. She didn't go through the hours reminding herself constantly that this was Friday. It simply was Friday. And that fact stayed subtly with her, coloring the background of everything else about the day. It was like that with their baby." ~Karen Kingsbury

    Losing Lily and loving Lily colors every moment of my every day. Though I don't think of her nonstop, she is always there, in the back of my mind, in the midst of everything. March makes it even easier to remember and miss her. My mom said just as her four living children are always in her thoughts, it is only natural for me as a mother to have my child in my thoughts. Just because she isn't here doesn't change that mother's love.

    I'd love to have you follow along on my blog as well:
    ~Hannah Rose