Today marks two of the longest and shortest months of my life. I can't really remember being pregnant. That makes me sad. I fully remember the fear and the panic that I felt during my last 3 weeks of my pregnancy but not the joy and happiness of it.
Today is two months since baby Clara was born. It is also two months since she died. I've had an amazing week. I've felt well. I've baked tons of cookies and I've made lots of yummy dinners.
Today, though, today I am sad. Well, maybe not sad. It's a stoic day for me. I want to be happy and remember my sweet baby girl who was just not big enough to live in this world. I want to remember feeling her move and planning for her arrival but I can't. I walk by her bedroom at least 10 times a day and I usually don't even look at the door. I can't. I can't look at it and I can't open it. I want to but I just can't. I want to look at her many pretty dresses and princess sleepers but I can't. I want to look at her little shoes and her many outrageous bows but I can't. I can't look at those things wishing and praying that my daughter was here with me.
Over the past two months I welcomed my baby girl into this world and held her after she'd left. She was gone before she knew me and before she ever got to meet her brother. He loves her so much and I know he missed her. He talks about his sister, baby Clara, all the time. He is so smart and I know he would have been the best big brother. He was so excited for baby Clara. Today, he wears his lavender shirt in honor of her two month birthday. I don't have anything fun to do with my sweet baby girl today. I can't give her good morning hugs. I can't greet her in the morning with a happy birthday song. There won't be a single balloon here to tie to the rocker that I would rock her to sleep in for any nap. It's a sombering, sad day. I woke up this morning and didn't think about it.
The hubs was already getting ready for work and I went to peek at him to see what he was wearing and he had on his lavender shirt with this blue navy and lavender tie. I had asked him to wear that a couple of days ago and I was surprised that he actually remembered. I smiled and went on about my morning.
I finally made it back to our bedroom and smiled at Clara's urn. It is safely perched on top of our dresser, right next to a picture of her big brother. I've attached some pictures of her urn from her 1 month birthday. I will dress up her urn the same way and Noah and I will move it to his room, on his headboard for the day. We put it in there because it's bright and right in front of his big window. It let's all the light in and makes it seem beautiful. An urn with an outrageous bow in a gorgeous setting almost makes it seem like maybe it isn't as bad as what it really is.
You know, maybe I'm crazy for dressing up an urn but it's what helps me get through this. I want to move on and I want to live and be happy but God know I don't want to forget!! I can't. I can't embrace the things that I have here for Clara but I can't forget her either. She deserved so much better thatn the time that she had and maybe that's why God called her back so soon. I also realize that maybe she was never mine, she is and always was His. I was just supposed to love and take care of her. I tried my best and I hope it was enough.
I love you more than words can say. I know I pray to you all the time and talk to you but I hope you can hear me and that you know how much I love and miss you. I miss you. I miss you so much. I miss that we'll never be best friends or that we won't make cookies together. I want to hold you so bad. I know I cry alot when I think about you and when I talk to you but it's just because I don't have you here with me. I know you're here in spirit and that you're looking after our family but the selfish part of me just wants you back. I know I'll see you one day. We're doing our best here to hang on and remember you. I can't help but think of all the things you'd be doing today if you'd stayed here. Maybe you'd still be in my belly rolling around and kicking up a storm. Maybe you would still be fighting for your very life in the NICU. Maybe you would be here at home with us or maybe, my worst nightmare, you would have suffered in the NICU, in your life here on earth and you still wouldn't be with us. The what ifs are the worst but I am thankful for the time we had together and I will never forget you. Thank you for bringing me back to Jesus and for being my daughter. Thank you for looking after us baby girl. I love you and can't wait to hold you again.
*if any of you think about it today, will you wear a pastel pink or lavender in honor of Baby Clara and her 2 month birthday. Thank you.