Sunday, May 6, 2012

Planning and Praying.

*side note of correction* Reading over my last post, it seemed to me that some of the dates didn't match up and I was right. I actually received my genetics results Tuesday, March 21. I thought when I was writing that it seemed my results came back really soon. I pulled out my journal and confirmed that I was wrong in my original post but the dates have been updated. So, there is my correction.

Now, let's back up. I has my second bleed, on Wednesday March 14. There was no cramping, no clots just some pretty heavy bleeding. I decided not to go to the hospital for that bleed as I already knew that they were just going to do some blood work, give me fluids, check and ultrasound that would tell them nothing and send me on my merry, terrified way. Plus, going to the hospital I wasn't seeing my doctor. I had the pleasure of seeing the residents there. Most of them were really good and were helpful and compassionate but they weren't my doctor and they didn't have the answers nor were they going to have them. The most frustrating thing was that it seemed like they didn't care to have the answers either. It was like a real emergency room even though it was the labor and delivery ER. If you weren't in labor and going to be admitted or if it wasn't really a life or death problem for you then they just processed you and moved on.

My bleeding continued to become lighter and subside on some days but I would occasionally have bright red spotting. It would wax and wane over the course of a day but the bleeding always tapered. I thought about running to the hospital every time I saw blood but to be honest I didn't want all the waiting and feeling like it wasn't a true emergency, plus, I knew, realistically that going was just for my benefit. I was only 20weeks. I was too far from viability for them to help baby Clara if this was ever "it" but in my mind I just knew that we would make it.

Monday, March 19. I took time to step back and think of everything that was going on. I sat and thought about the bleeding and baby Clara. I reflected on the two bleeds that I had had. My bleeding at that point was down to a watery brownish discharge and I was fine with that. I prayed that God would see us through but I also wished  that this whole ordeal was just over. I was tired of bleeding and always worrying about going to the bathroom and finding blood. I just prayed that baby Clara would hang in there and stick this out with me because I knew that this emotional roller coaster and stress would be so worth it in the end. Even if baby Clara was born early and had to fight for her life, I knew that we could do it. I was her biggest cheerleader and I know that I could help her overcome everything!

It was at this time that I decided that I would never get pregnant again. I always wanted 3 children but if baby Clara made it my family would be complete and I would be just fine. There was too much risk and I have far too much at stake to play with the fire of a future high risk pregnancy. For now, I counted the days. Each day that my pregnancy continued was another day stronger baby Clara became and it was another day closer to viability. I talked to Clara all the time and gave her pep talks about the rough road ahead. I pumped her up about fighting for her life. I guess, in my mind I already knew that she wouldn't make it to term and that she would have one hell of a time when she was born. She would need to hit the ground running and be prepared for the marathon of her life! It was going to be hard and she would get tired but we were going to fight this out. We were going to make it through this together and she would come home to her gorgeous pink lavender room with the glitter wall and all of her dresses and bows! So, I just continued to pray. I prayed for her safety and for mine. I prayed for His mercy and His comfort through this. I prayed that she would be strong enough and when she wasn't I prayed that I would be strong enough for her. That I could see her through this storm.


  1. Oh, I just want to cheer for sweet Clara, I am praying for you my friend. I love this deep look into your heart.

  2. I can feel the love you have for Clara, in your post (((hugs)))

  3. Bless you and your family...our little Ryan was born into Heaven at 19 weeks, just a few weeks before sweet Clara. A big hug to you!

  4. P.S. My due date was estimated to be somewhere between July 31st and August 3rd...

  5. My heart breaks reading your post... I also talked with Gabrielle every day just like you described "I talked to Clara all the time and gave her pep talks about the rough road ahead. I pumped her up about fighting for her life." I let her know I loved her and that everything was going to be ok. I also thought she wouldn't make it to term and was never expecting to lose her... I thought we could fight through anything too. Love to you and Clara xoxo