More than I expected

Phew!! I'm here everyone! No worries. The beginning of this "final semester" has been much more overwhelming than I anticipated. Wow. What a crazy schedule. Okay, so let's recap...

When I last left I was trying to figure out what this semester was going to be about. I've since come to the realization that when the professor repeatedly says "You are responsible for your educational success" she basically means you're on your own and don't expect me to teach. That was even more apparent when I took my first exam of the term last night and only got a 72% when my typical grade is 88-93%. UGH!!! Now I have to focus on recovering from that.

We did have a dosage calc exam last Thursday evening on the 12th. I was a little nervous about that one because of one of the types of questions that required you to titrate a dose. In the end, I knocked it out of the park and got 100%! Yay!

I also had my first hospital day of the term this past Saturday on the 21st. I was so excited and pumped about that. I LOVE bedside nursing and providing patient care!! Well, lets just say that my flame was put out when I was assigned to a gen-med floor where there were no PCTs and most of the patients were stable. I honestly spent the day being the PCT for the unit. I changed linens, took vitals, assisted patients to the bathroom and repositioned several of them. I removed IVs, fetched various snacks and beverages, had a couple of patients try to swindle me into sneaking them ice when they were supposed to be NPO, nothing by mouth, and sent two patients off the floor for procedures.

The day drug on and I just tried to stay busy. I ran into the clinical instructor a couple of times and tried to talk to her to pass the time but she wasn't really helpful. I am so frustrated with my clinical experience!! I know how to do these basic things! What I need to learn is how to program the IV pump, how to assess the bed-bound patient, how to use the EMR and plan out my day as a care provider! These are the things I'm missing. In a way, I can't wait for this program to be over and on the other hand I'm scared because I don't believe I will be prepared because the program has been more of a political game than an actual nurturing educational environment.

Towards the end of the clinical day on Saturday, all of a sudden there were a handful of things to keep busy!! There was a patient on the unit who was very demanding and probably kind of lonely. My partner and I spent a bit of time with her. Well, mostly my partner. She brushed the patient's hair, braided it, essentially gave the patient a bed bath, we both suctioned the patient, and about an hour later finally got out of the room. Hah. Then we got to go work on a patient who was having an unfortunate stay. He ended up getting a rectal tube, poor thing. It's so amazing the kind of medical interventions that are available.

It was a very long day!! Tonight there's a new class and another opportunity to get my you-know-what together and try to excel instead of just make it by. Haha. We'll see how that goes. I'll likely just try not to be a jerk but that's also just a maybe.

Next post will be an update on weight loss and health!!

Thursday!!

Well, maybe not a mid-week report but still an update!! So far this week, I have lost 4lbs! I am beyond excited. This is the start of something great!!

Today is also the day that I start interviewing venues for our 10yr anniversary party! I have a couple of different places in mind. I also need to order a cake, maybe a photographer, and possibly someone to renew our vows!! I am determined to have a much better time than I did at my actual wedding!

One of the places, I am visiting this afternoon and I cannot wait. I feel torn between two different themes. On the one hand I want to have a nice beach-themed party but on the other hand I want to have a nice, classy, fancy, cocktail hour kind of environment. It's definitely fun trying to find the balance.

Tonight is class 3 of 3 for the week. I don't quite feel overwhelmed by the schedule as much as I do the material. I thought that the demand of the schedule would be a bit more exhausting but then again it's just the first week. We'll see how I feel in a couple more weeks, especially once the clinical rotations start and exams start. I won't be able to find my life!!

Well, on to class! Catch up later. :)

Day 2 of 3!

Well.....I didn't get a chance to update last night. It was a long and dragging day. I was completely overwhelmed by all of the information that we went over in class and I tried to get some homework done.

It wasn't the actual content that had me stressed out and ready to run for the hills but more so the intensity of the schedule that we're going to be following. Just the simple thought that I will be spending three out of five night a week at school, making a trip to a separate campus on another weeknight AND trekking to the hospital on one of my weekend days just has me awestruck.

What is my life?!? What am I going to do? How am I going to make sure the house is clean? How am I going to cook dinners or find time for laundry? When do I study? Take a shower? Play with the kids? I am going to lose my mind!!

On top of the crazy schedule, they also requested that we attend a review class in April. The class is Monday through Thursday ALL DAY!!! How completely ridiculous!! I have a two week vacation scheduled in June! I don't have 32 extra hours of PTO to take off to attend this review!

I wanted to scream on more than one occasion last night. I also tried to be my normal, participating, over-responsive self but about an hour in I was asked to stop answering questions. I suppose it was a good thing and a bad thing. It was good because then I can kind of tune out the rest of the lecture because the Prof is less likely to call on me because she thinks I'm "an insufferable know it all" but bad because of the same. Screwed either way. :(

I got home last night close to 9pm and when I came in both kids were still awake! Ahhhhhhhh!!! Oh, and guess who was in bed?! Hmmmmmm. I just have to keep reminding myself that this is such a temporary season. There's only 16 weeks left and then I am done until I start my Master's work in August.

Time to focus on the light that is increasing at the end of this tunnel. I need to take a moment to breathe and enjoy this experience! I will make it through this. I will survive. I will THRIVE! I will SUCCEED!!

Here's to another night of fun and learning!! Tomorrow's update will include my mid-week weight loss report!

Oh!!!! Back to School! Back to School!

Today is the first day back to school!! 16 weeks and I am done!! This first 8 weeks promises to be extremely rigorous! First class is tonight followed by class tomorrow night and the night after! No word yet on if there are any commitments this weekend. First exam is a week from Thursday and then every Monday night! Saturday clinical starts on the 21st and run through the end of February when we have an exam on Saturday followed by the final a mere 2 days later.

I swear, if I last through the first 8 weeks, the last 8 will be a breeze! I'm confident in my skills and my ability to complete assignments but I'm worried about all of the exams. I barely have time to update my blog and manage my life. I sure as hell don't have hours upon hours of free time to try to learn something I'm unfamiliar with. I'm sure that the concepts are nothing new but damn, trying to feed the answers "by the book" are so different from "real-life" situations. The book is always so ideal.

Tonight I will find out more about the rest of the semester and I will update more in the future!!

In other news, I'm still fighting the desire to go to the gym. Ugh! I feel like I'm dying to go but with my work schedule, I don't think I'll ever make it. Plus, when I do have free time and I'm home I just want to stay there.

I'm preparing to do an 8-day challenge in February with the amazing supplements that I've been using. The 8-day challenge is so fun. It's like a cleanse and a kick starter! Guaranteed 8-15lbs gone!!

I created My Journey to Health and Happiness in 2017 page on facebook and I plan to open my February challenge to all of my friends on there as well! I will be hosting the challenge and one participant will win $100!! Lots of fun. How can anyone pass up a chance to lose weight AND a chance to win $100?!?

Come back tomorrow for a full report on how class went!

An open letter asking why...

You know who you are but I know you don't care. I'm not sure what's wrong and I'm not sure that it would make a difference if I did. You live your life for you. You are always number one in your world. I can't imagine living a life so selfish.

There have been so many times where I tried to reach out for help. I tried to ask for support. There were times when I needed you to step up to the plate. I needed a break but I never got one. I've learned that I don't have a choice. You've let me down and trapped me.

I can't walk away. I have to do it for them. I won't get a break. Even when I was at the lowest point in my life, I looked around and I was alone. I was crying out, begging for help. I needed someone to lift me up, to hold me, and to make me feel anything normal.

I've reached the point where there is little that surprises me or hurts my feelings. I've tried to talk it out but every word out of my mouth falls on deaf ears. There is no response and no compromise.

I am who I am because of you. I have been put in situations I never dreamed imaginable because of you. It's time to focus on me and my life. It's time for me to take the bull by the horns and not just live day-to-day.

I'm not saying good-bye or I'll miss you. I'm saying that at this point you have no control. You do not dictate what I do or define who I am. I will succeed not because of you but in spite of you.

Thank you for showing me that I don't need anyone to thrive. I am responsible for my own destiny!!

My last free weekend...

Yep, this is it. My last free weekend until April! Classes start next week. Clinical rotations start the week after. Then my state exam review course. After all of that fun starts N's soccer season begins. Throw in a couple of birthdays and the need to take a trip to check out a graduate program, I will be running non-stop from now until my vacation in June!!

My school schedule for the next 16 weeks is insane!! I have actual class three nights a week. Exams are on another night each week. I have to go to the hospital to complete clinical hours on Saturdays and I have a separate board review/test prep class.

Somehow I will manage working full time, all of the class demands, paper writing, anniversary planning, soccer practices, meal planning and prep, maintaining the house, and having fun with the kids!! This is my crucible. This is my sink or swim moment. I am so excited!

This weekend was pretty uneventful. I reorganized the kitchen, played outside with the kids, cooked amazing meals, and cleaned everything! We had donuts and dance parties. We blew bubbles in the wind. We played with play-doh and brushed each other's hair. I love being a mom and hanging out with my babies!!

Tonight, in honor of my last relaxed, family meal I am making a full Sunday dinner! The menu includes ham, potatoes, green beans, rolls, gravy, coleslaw, and berry cobbler for dessert. One last hurrah before crunch time hits and we are doing it up BIG!!!

Lucky me though, I have my handy-dandy supplements on deck to power me through my hectic schedule and keep me on the road to health and happiness in 2017!!

My Health and Wellness 2017

As many of you know, I love to be classy and fashionable. You also know that I love eating great food. After three pregnancies, the loss of a child, PTSD, and breastfeeding for over 4 years of my life my weight became a HUGE problem. My defining moment was around February 2016.

It was my first clinical day and I was so excited to be doing what I love and wearing my white uniform!! Well, until I put it on. Somehow between the time I ordered the coveted uniform and two months later when I wore it for the first time, I had gained 20 pounds. I was so uncomfortable and super self conscious. I couldn't sit comfortably while wearing my uniform, and frankly felt like a sausage. It was then that I decided that I'd had enough!

I was done being tired. I was done being disgusted with myself. I was done being a sausage. I started researching and looking for something that I could use to first boost my energy. I preferred an all-natural product and definitely something that didn't give me awful side effects. I tried some green tea supplements but I was jittery, tachycardic, and would get terrible headaches. After a couple of weeks searching and trying product after product. I felt defeated. Then, I found an all-natural supplement that boasted increased energy, rare side effects, and a guarantee of satisfaction that I could NOT argue with.

I bit the bullet and tried it. I started with one and no problems. Then I went to one twice a day, still no problems. I added a vitamin, then a superfood supplement, then a snack shake for when I was driving to class, running to soccer, or stuck in the office for lunch. This combination of supplements made me feel amazing!! I had more energy, no pain, I felt well rested, and I had a great grab and go snack that fit my schedule.

I soon realized that not only was I feeling better but I was managing my weight and was beyond ecstatic when I lost 40 pounds after only about 3 months. I was satisfied, on a roll, and wanted to keep on going. I stopped all of the supplements and wanted to "do it on my own". I have gained back about 10 of those pounds but never fear, I received a brand new box of my favorite supplements and I am ready to get back on my journey to health and happiness!!

I hope you'll join me and follow my journey!! If you're interested in trying the supplements as well, leave a comment or shoot me an email and I will be more than delighted to introduce you!

**Here's to all of us and improving our health and happiness in 2017**

MY 2017!!!

This is the year of ME!! I am so focused on the rays of light shining in my tunnel I can barely express it!!

2017 schedule of events;

January- classes resume!! Term 4
               Receive a super re-stock on my favorite all-natural supplements
               Tell at least 10 of my friends about how great ^^^ those supplements are! and start a health                  and wellness group with them

February- complete my first 30-day challenge and share my results, shout them from the rooftops!!
                 First 8 weeks of Term 4 will be completed

March- 10 year anniversary celebration
             Spring Break
             Clara's 5 year Angelversary
           

April- N's birthday
           Term 4 Final Exam!

May- Graduation!
          State Licensing Exam

June- Summer Break
          Vacation

July- December- Searching for my dream job or a dream residency
                            Family Reunion
                            Everyone's birthday
                            Every other holiday!

So, as you can see, I am packed full of goodness for 2017!! I plan to continue to update this blog as much as I can, especially once school starts! I want to share my health journey with everyone and all of the joy I can!!

Who is I?

I is the sweetest little girl! She is a hyperactive toddler with a strong, sassy, attitude! She is a healer and a hope. She is fun and loves shoes. I have the best time with her!!

When I found out I was finally pregnant in 2013, I was scared and excited. I made a promise to care for my baby, protect my baby, and do everything within my power to ensure a safe, healthy, successful pregnancy. I made a promise to myself that I would advocate for myself better than I had with Clara and that I would fight at all costs to get the two of us to the finish line.

As usual, I had a very textbook, relaxed, easy-peasy pregnancy. I loved every second of it! I was a beautiful pregnant women. I cherished every symptom, every flutter, movement, appointment, test, exam, and ultrasound.

I wrote letters weekly to my sweet baby with all of my hopes and dreams. Every letter expressing how loved and wanted the baby was.

Though I felt like I had a great relationship with my care team I always remember how they had let me down in the past and I wasn't willing to take that risk with my sweet rainbow baby. With the constant nagging feeling of being let down, abandoned, and left to fend for myself by my care team, I chose to seek a back up team that I could have on standby just in case my pregnancy started to change.

Four months in and we found out our rainbow baby was going to be a girl. I was so excited for the second chance to be the mother of a baby girl, to have a lifetime companion who I could shop and spa with.

She arrived at 39 weeks! I had been in labor all day but was determined to have a fund day out with N. My contractions were manageable and I knew that they could last for hours. N and I went out for lunch, to the beach, to the park, and all around! We had an amazing day. It was probably 2am when I knew it was time to go get checked.

My contractions had been 2 to 5 minutes apart for over 3 hours and lasting between 30-55 seconds. I was keeping track on some cool app that I had at the time. The contractions were getting more frequent and more painful. I drove myself to my primary hospital and told them I thought I was in labor. I was checked in and hooked up to a fetal heart monitor for about an hour. Then the doctor came in and told me I was not in labor that I had no recorded contractions. I asked her how they expected to monitor contractions when the sensor was not hooked up. She told me that she could have someone hook it up and that they would monitor me for a couple more hours and then I could be discharged.

I kind of blew her off as she was simply a resident and not part of my care team. I asked her, if I truly was not in labor then why was I in such pain? Rhythmic pain? She had no answer and advised that I would be discharged and should return if the pain persisted or got worse. I asked her, so what you're telling me is that I'm being discharged so that I can go back out front and check back in. She replied that I could do that if I felt it was necessary and left. The nurse came in to discharge me and I cried. I was so shocked that I was being blown off by my primary team, again!!

I managed my way home and then decided that I needed to seek a second opinion. I drove myself to my back up hospital and was welcomed by my team!! I was quickly checked in, roomed, and monitored. Confirmed to be in labor I was advised of my options. I was scared shitless at that point requested a c-section. By the time we made it to the OR I was 7cm and 20 minutes later baby I was born!

She was born ready! She was wide awake, hungry, and excited to be earthside. She latched like a pro and we had an amazing breastfeeding relationship for 15 months.

Now at two and a half, I loves baby dolls, playing mommy, fine dining, candy, shopping, and snuggling! She is an absolute sweetheart and I cannot wait to watch her grow.

What's been up with N?!

Little N is not so little anymore! He is super big into soccer and running. He also recently started enjoying surfing and even got a cool surfboard for Christmas. N also loves skateboarding and we frequent the skate park!

N is also a great scholar!! He is and A, sometimes B student. He is really good at math and science. Reading is not his favorite subject but he powers through it. He loves writing his own stories and occasionally reads for fun, mostly when he's avoiding going to bed. :)

Since we last left off N has played soccer, two seasons a year, always back to back. We are looking forward to our last season of recreational soccer, spring 2017, and training hard for our first season of competitive league in the fall!! I have big hopes and dreams that this will lead him down the path of many opportunities and open doors!!

N still talks about his sweet angel sister all the time. Baby Clara's forever box sits proudly in our living room where everyone can see it. We include baby Clara in all of our family functions! N always picks out a cupcake for her birthday and is such an amazingly proud big brother. It always touches me deeply when people ask him how many brothers/sisters he has, he ALWAYS, without hesitation responds with "two sisters, one is this old and the other is this old". He knows how old Clara would be and talks about her as if she's just at home waiting for us.

N sometimes struggles with OCD and anxiety but he manages it very well. He has some occasional ticks and ritualistic behaviors that he conducts but they do not interfere with his day to day life and are very much controlled.

During his soccer off season N enjoys running a lot and fast! He is also enjoying Minecraft and Roblocks. It's so cool to see him become his own person and watch him evolve from one stage of life to the next!!

What's been up with me?!?

Last I left off in 2013 I was a hot hot mess. I was in the depths of depression and full blown PTSD. Experiencing the loss of a child is horrific! Add to that the insult of being treated like a lunatic drug seeker by your healthcare team and it wrecks your life. After that experience I decided that medicine was not for me. I couldn't trust my judgement. I couldn't advocate for myself much less a patient who trusted me. I couldn't even walk by the hospital without getting a pit in my stomach, without panicking, without being put right back in the moment when I honestly thought I was dying.

I spent much of 2013 running to the ER struck with flashbacks, hallucinations, and pain. I became a burden to my family. The hubs never went with me or lifted me up so I began to rely on my mom to rescue me. Well, after a couple of late night calls to beg her to come sit in the ER with me I could tell that she was over me. I was becoming an inconvenience and a nuisance. I stopped calling. I began facing all of my battles and struggles alone.

I had to change my major in school. I had always been set on being a doctor. I wanted to be the best, be the smartest, and be the most successful but alas, I couldn't even look at the hospital without breaking a sweat. I dropped my pre-med major and switched to Health Administration. I tackled that coursework like a pro!! and graduated in December 2014 but I'm getting ahead of myself.

I struggled through day to day activities and lost the joy and happiness of living. I was simply surviving. I was afraid ALL of the time. I would sit at my desk and cry. I had so many triggers that would just set me off. In one of my most desperate moments I was lying on the floor in an exam room, at work, crying, begging, pleading for everything to stop! I was caught in the middle of the worst "attack" I've ever had. Coming out of it I decided that there was no one out there capable of saving me. I needed to save myself or I would consume myself. After that moment day-by-day I made little improvements.

The hubs and I welcomed our third baby in June 2014. Her delivery was also close to a disaster but for other reasons which I'll post about in the future but it was also a healing time. My pregnancy was uneventful. I enjoyed it but mostly just because I LOVE being pregnant. I had a hard time bonding with her after she was born. She was more my project and responsibility than my sweet new baby. We've come a long way and even enjoyed a great 15 months of actual breastfeeding (pumping until 2yrs).

In August 2015 we took another trip to Ireland! It was so much more enjoyable than our first as I was not actively battling PTSD and depression, fighting to survive. We rented an adorable apartment and traveled as we pleased. Baby girl handled the trip fantastically!! She is a born traveler.

In October 2015 I was accepted into a local nursing program. It has been an amazing journey and I am ecstatic to say that next week I will be starting my last 16 weeks of the program and plan to take my licensing exam at the end of May. Then we're off to Northern Ireland for our first experience there and then across to Scotland for another first!!

Well, that's the EXTREMELY condensed version of the last 3+ years. :)

-Victoria-

Welcome to 2017!!

Wow! I've been gone from the blogging world for far too long!! This year promises to be a very prosperous one full of changes, advances, hope, and new beginnings. I am looking forward to sharing this year with all of you and will update my profile as well as my family role call soon!!

Lots of love,
Victoria

A day in the Life!!

Monday was one of the busiest days I've had in a while!! Hubs and I took the day off because we had an appointment to get our passport applications processed. That was an adventure all in itself. Apparently you can't use a credit card to pay for certain parts of the application fees. I was afraid that they might cancel out appointment or ask us to reschedule for a time when we had a check or money order to cover the non-credit approved fees. UGH! In the end everything was just fine but I definitely think I was nervous about getting it completed.

Oops, I missed just about the whole day and jumped ahead to the most exciting part!! The morning started out nice. We all got up in a nice calm manner. I cooked breakfast for everyone, took a shower, fixed my hair and made sure I had all of our documents for the day organized.  First up Noah had his annual physical appt. He did great and passed with flying colors!! After that we ran over to the dentist office! Hubs and Noah had appts with the new dentist. Let me just say, I was very unsure about the dentist. I mean, yes he had great reviews but there were just some things that I wasn't a big fan of. He did great with Noah and the thing that sealed the deal was that the hubs was impressed with him. Looks like he's a keeper. Noah and I ran home to whip up some lunch and then rushed downtown to the U.S. Passport Agency for our appointments which I've highlighted. After we finished the passport appointments I felt like I could breathe easy. That was the original reason that we even took the day off, since both of us had to be present to apply for Noah's passport.

We came home and took the time to rest for about 10 minutes before we headed out the door and off to another appointment. Noah had his eyes checked. It was a good experience. I'll give him credit, we had a full day and he was just a little antsy during the eye exam. It wasn't too bad. The optometrist was really nice too. Noah checked out perfectly with 20/20 vision and no need for glasses! Woohoo!! We headed out from our appointment feeling really well and whaat better way to top off our family run around day? A trip to the gym, of course. All three of us hit the gym to get in our cardio for the day and then retired to the house for the evening.

What a great fun filled day!!

Clara's Birthday and Remembering.

Clara's one year birthday was definitely a celebration for me. I was worried that I would have a rough day but it ended up being a nice day. The Saturday before Clara's Angelversary I hosted a luncheon with the women closest to me to remember baby Clara. It was a nice time. My mom, sister and best friend attended. To invite them I wrote each of them a personalized invitation. I wrote about a non-traditional first birthday celebration and I wrote something personal to each of them and at the end I asked that they please join me at the certain date and time to celebrate Baby Clara. They all showed up and it was nice. We all ate and they all listened to me jabber on about how important they weree to me. Without the support of those women, there is no way that I would be as strong as I am today. I would probably still be laying on the couch and crying my way through Ho.bby Lo.bby. Instead, I'm breezing through school, taking care of my house, being an outstanding mom to Noah, succeeding in life and overall just thriving. I'm so astounded as to how far I've come. When I was sitting up in my hospital bed at 4am pouring my soul into a fluffy fleece blanket, I didn't think that I would ever recover.

No, I'm not the same Victoria that I was in 2011 but this is who I am and I think I'm doing well. I feel empowered and brave. I feel stronger than I ever have and I'm learning to trust myself again. This year, I hope to work on my not for profit organization in honor of Clara and seeing how far I can succceed with that. One day I hope to offer financial support to a family who has a similar story to mine and Claras.

Another thing that I wanted to touch on was how Noah has handled all of this. I think he's doing amazing. After Clara was born, I knew that I wanted Noah to see her. I wanted him to hold her and cherish her just like I did. Noah did see his sister . He chose not to hold her and that's okay. He gave her kisses and told her how beautifel she was. I was worried that he would forget, that he wouldn't want to remember her but he does. He loves his little sister. He talks about her and even changes the bow on her urn. He's even a protective big brother!! He hollers at the cat if she gets too close to Clara's urn and area. The other night he had his first sleep over and he even corrected his friend when he got too close to Clara's area and when he tried to open the door to Clara's nursery. He hollered and said "we don't go in there". I love that he cares about her. Sometimes it makes me sad when he says things like, maybe next time we can have a baby that we can bring home from the hospital. Ouch... I know that he'll make a fantastic big brother and I only hope that he gets the chance.

Everyday, we try to do something to remember Baby Clara. She is very much a part of our family and we all love her very much. I only hope that we will all be together one day and that she isn't alone in Heaven. I imagine that she's a petite little thing, with silky strawberry blonde ringlet hair. Clara has her own littlee space in our living room. It was a little rough, trying to figure out where to place her urn. At first, I kept it in our bedroom. I didn't want anyone to touch it, or look at it, or even know about it. Then I felt like I wasn;t being fair. I wanted to love and honor Clara and so she found her home in our most visited spot, the livingroom.

Clara's urn is proudly displayed in our home and is clearly visible for all of our friends and family who enter our home. It is my hope that by sharing Clara, her story, her legacy, her urn so freely, that it will help honor her memory and let her live on.

Back again!!

Well friends, it's been some time since I last wrote. Wow, 4 months already. Time sure does fly!! School has been going really well. I just finished spring semester. I finished with all A's and A's. It was great!! The summer semester begins this coming Wednesday, May 8th. Yikes!!! Another full semester and then time for our vacation. I can't wait, well, I guess I can. I am so not looking forward to the fliight but I suppose I will survive.

On the front of my recovery I would venture to say that things have been going very well. I have been so blessed to have a great provider. She listens to me anI feel like she really has my best interrests in mind. I did have a bleeding scare and went to see my midwife/gyn. She was a bit helpful but almost blew off my concerns. I didn't really find the reassurance that I was looking for but in the end I didn't have a freakout that required an ER visit. I am proud to say that I have not been to an Emergency Room since January. What a great accomplishment for someone who went at least once a month for about 6 months. I still have moments where I panic or worry but I am confident enough, now to stop and evaluate myself and then I feel better. 

Another step in my healing I came to on my own terrms was that I cleaned the nursery. I cleaned out baby Clara's room. I put away all the baby clothes. I consolidated the entire room into 4 tubs of things, the broken down crib and the changing station is still set up with the baskets full of newborn diapers and cloth diapers. I don't stare at them and feel saddness. I look at them and wonder how I ever ended up with so many diaperrs.  Funny how things work out. I just got up the courage to breakdown the nursery, which wee still refer to as Baby Clara's room, and I think we're on the verge of trying again for baby #3. I am excited and terrified at the same time. I know I always say it but I do plan to keep up this blog more. Especially with the anticipation of a pregnancy, I can't leave you guys in the dark. 

I also need to do a photo update! Noah has had a great season in soccer!! We decided not to go back to tball for the spring and we stayed with soccer. We were luck to be on the same coach's team. Coach S is great and I think Noah really looks up to him. He's on the team with two of the same boys he was with in the fall. It's great to see the three of them interact and work together. After soccer, Noah will probably go back to swim lessons and I'm also looking into some kind of sports camp for the summer that doesn't interfere with our vacation plans. Kindergarten coming in the fall and I can't wait to see how that goes!!

Well, thank you all for hanging in there with me and supporting me. I have the other parts of my pregnancy and birth saga in drafts. I just have not had the guts to post. I know this is a public blog and I don't want to face the scrutiny. Thank you all again for everything and for hanging in there with me!! I look forward to sharing with you soon! 

My recap of 2012. . .

2012 was my year of learning. I learned more about myself, my marriage, my family and my life this year than in any other. I learned what real pain feels like. I learned what true saddness and grief are. I know what it's like to have deep regrets on thisngs that I truely don't get the chance to do over again. There's nothing that I can say or do to change my regrets.

This year I've built a better relationship with God. I've learned to trust him and to just have faith that God is in control. I'm living His plan for me and I just need to trust.

This year I had my world shattered. I didn't trust myself, my body, my family or my husband. I still sturggle with trusting my own judgement but I'm getting better.

I leave 2012 as a broken person who is healing. I'm looking forward to a new year and a new me. I have some great goals for 2013 and I hope to share them with you!

My first dream.

I had wondered when and I wondered how. I wondered if it would ever happen to me but hey, in this new life of mine I rarely wonder that. What am I talking about? Well, the title gave it away. A dream, THE dream. You all know, the dream when you get to see your baby again or get some great message, feeling, revelation from your angel baby? Well, I had one. It was, gosh I can't even remember the night that it was. I think it was Tuesday night, July 3rd. For me, though, it wasn't any of the above. It wasn't a warm dream but then again it wasn't a horrifying nightmare. It started out like a regular day. I was going about my business and running errands. At some point I went to the doctor. I was being examined and was talking to the nurse and all of a sudden I felt like I had to go to the bathroom. I got up and there was a gush of fluid and I thought that was really strange but went on about my business and then all of a sudden, I got that feeling. The feeling that I had just before Clara were delivered. I didn't panic and I wasn't scared. The next thing I knew, I was holding a tiny baby, much like Clara. This time, everything was different though. I was calm and didn't panic. I wasn't stressed and I wasn't scared.

I don't know what the dream meant and I don't know why it came to me but maybe it was a sign. Maybe it was exposure to a different perspective. The scenario of the dream was much like the delivery of Clara, very unexpected. I didn't feel like I was being spoken to or that there was a clear message but it was so surreal to actually relive that moment and have it play out so serenely. I am still hoping and praying for a dream where Clara comes to me to tell me she's okay and that everything is okay but I suppose that's just me searching for peace and comfort. Have any of you found peace and comfort or have any of you had a special dream like that? Let's share.

Still hanging around.

Thank you ladies for all of your love and support. Today is 4 moths since my sweet baby girl was born and went to heaven. Most days I struggle with the loss and how profound an effect it has had on me emotionally as well as physically. I cry sometimes, I hurt alot. It seems like if it's not one thing it's another. If I feel great physically, I'm usually riding an emotional rollercoaster and if I'm good emotionally I always seem to have some pain. It's usually my arm, my chest, my head of something crazy. It feels like all I do is go to doctors and of course, no one believes me. I feel like a lost cause and like no matter what I say or how I feel, nothing will be wrong and it will all be in my head. My doctors will think I'm crazy and then my family will to. That's what I fear the most is losing the love and support of my family. Lord knows, I really don't deserve it. I spent a great deal of my adolecents and young adulthood being a very mean, hateful, disgusting person. I hurt those around me and have done things that I can't take back. For everything I truely am sorry. I've written personal letters to those that I've hurt and tried my best to accept their forgiveness but I guess after so much it comes back to me. I guess I just can't accept it. I don't feel worthy of love.

I was reading Fifty Shades of Grey and recently finished book two. Now, in all reality, this series is just written porn but if you look past all of that the main character, Christian Grey,has a very interresting up bringing and while I cannot relate to the greater part of his childhood I get where he doesn't feel worthy of being loved. People around me tell me they love me and they do nice things for me and they're always there for me but I feel like in a crisis, I just can't turn to them. Partly because I fear that they won't be there for me and partly because I just don't feel like they care that much. I went to the hospital in the middle of the night a couple of weeks ago. My in-laws were spending the night but I just couldn't shake the feeling I was having and desperately needed a physicians consult. I got up, got dressed and left home, headed to the hospital about 2 a.m. I didn't call, text or tell anyone. I went alone because I didn't want to inconvenience anyone. I did text my mom around 4 a.m. as well as the hubs. Eventually my mom came to sit with me, just in time for them to discharge me. I hate when that happens, and it's the second time too. The first time was when I had to go back to the ER after Clara was born. I needed some spare parts removed and by the time  I let my mom know and asked her to come be with me she made it just in time for the doctor to come back in and discharge me. Same thing this time. I tried so hard to just not bother anyone but I needed someone to comfort me and as the doctor was telling me my test were negative and giving me his diagnosis, my mom walked in and 10 minutes later the nurse came in to discharge me. Again, I felt like such an inconvenience, granted I suppose my mom only got up about an hour early and we both still made it to work on time but jeez, to come all the way to me for nothing, I felt like dirt, as if I had wasted her time. I told her how I felt and that I felt that way because after crying wolf so many times people will stop responding. Even though in my heart I truely feel like something is wrong with me physically, nothing is showing up so I sontinue to waste time and money to search for an answer.

Well, I'm looking forward to getting back in to blogging and updating daily. The hubs was recently transfered closer to home and has a much more stable work schedule so I should have more time to be able to sit and let my thoughts flow! That's all I have for tonight. I'm physically and mentally exhausted!  I love you all and thanks again for your support and kindness.



Baby Clara,

As your due date inches closer and closer I feel the anxiety and saddness of the reality that you're not joining us. Noah continues to talk about you and love you so much. I've told him many times that you're so proud of him and his accomplishments and that you love him so much. He know that you live with Jesus and that you were too small to live here with us. He misses you so much. Please continue to watch over us and hold us close. The other day I told one of my good friends about you and our story. His wife went to heaven last August and she too had a baby, a little boy who went to Heaven when he was a baby. He was older than you but he went well before his mommy and daddy were ready too. So, I told my friend about you and that in the first few days after you had gone to Heaven I prayed to his wife that she would find you and hold you for me. So, if you've met a wonderful, beautiful, kind, gentle, loving woman named Betty, then that's her! I pray that she finds you and gives you tons of hugs and kisses. She's such a saint and will teach you very great things. She is missed so dearly as are you. I pray that Grandma and Grandpa B are up there with you and your cousins Ka'am and Lindsey. I pray that you're not alone and that you are comforted and never wanting. I pray all of these things for you Sweet Baby Clara and I pray for our peace and comfort in knowing that you are as perfect as you ever were and that one day we will all be together. I love you sweet girl and I miss you more than words can say.

Love you Lots, Miss you Much.
Momma.

Sometimes I just need a break.

The waves of emotion I feel are unbelievable. I cannot even verbayy describe how stressed and busy I feel. Some days I feel like I'm trapped right beneath the surface and just can't seem to break through and breathe. Other days I feel like the old me. One thing I have noticed the most is that I'm just not the same anymore. Big surprise, right?! Are any of us really the same after going through the things we've been through. One day I'm on the top of the world, the next in the bottom of the ocean. Some days I can't wait to be pregnant again and flirt with the thoughts of actually holding a sweet baby and giving Noah a sibling he can play with. Then others I sit and cry, thinking how hard it would be to have another pregnancy, to fight the fear every day. I dread the feeling of nerves and panic at every single twinge and cramp. I just can't fathom going through another pregnancy. Adoption is always an option but such a process. I feel so overwhelmed by everything in my life and where I am, physically and emotionally. Thank you all for hanging in there with me and continuing to support me. I am reading your blogs and I feel empowered by each of you. I promise to update more and SOON!!

Blog of Hope

Today, I am a bad blogger. Well, I have been. I've been spending all of my non blogging time trying to write out the last two or three posts to go with Clara's birth story. I know I've kind of fallen off my dreadful pregnancy story line but let me just tell you that the posts that have been put up are a lot more happy and shiny than the ones related to my pregnancy and Clara's birth. I promise I'll have them up soon though. That was one of the biggest reasons I came back to my blog was to  spread the word and to help other women, who have gone through the same thing. I want to help them share and help them heal. I want all of you know that you are not alone in this and that it does get better as time goes on. I remember the first few blogs I read about infant loss. When I took to the blogs to search for someone, any one, who would or even could understand what and how I was feeling, it was a relief (if you can call our awful situations reliefs) that there were other women out there who had gone through the same thing and there were women out there who were pouring out their hearts and feelings on their blogs 3 months after their loss, 6 months after their loss and even a year and more after their loss. It gave me hope.

If any one takes away anything from this blog, I hope that it is the comfort of knowing that life can go on. Life does go on. I know it sounds cheesy but each day is what you make it and each day is a new day. That's how I like to think about this journey. Yes, we have all experienced the most difficult thing that we may ever go through and it sure as heck wasn't something we planned nor wanted. We were not in control. We had no say, no choice. We were chosen for this journey and why? Well, we will probably never know. What I do know is that there is hope. Take each day at a time. If you are sad today, be sad. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to go out and be happy, go for it. It's okay to cry in public. Even if you're out having a great time and all of a sudden you feel overwhelmed and need to cry, do it. People will look and people may stare but that's okay too because one of them may be one of us too.

I hope that I have not offended any one. I guess, I wrote these words tonight because, these are things that I needed to hear when I was new in this life. The life after loss. I needed to hear these things and for someone to tell me these things. I needed the hope that my life would continue. That I could still have relationships with my family and friends like I did before. Yes, the relationships are different now but they are still there. Sometimes I feel like I have many lives. I have my professional life, student life, personal life, home life, happy life, grieving life and real life. Well, all of those make up my real life but sometimes it feels like a charade. I can be happy and catch frequent glimpses of the old me in my professional life but when no one is around and I have my grieving life that's who I am and what I do. I am a grieving mother, grieving the loss of my daughter but the I can go out with a friend and spend sometime in my happy life before I go back to my personal or grieving life. Have any of you felt like that? Have you felt as if you have many lives or wear so many hats. Tell me about and let's share!!  I've found so many wonderful and supportive things on all of your blogs. They have helped me find my hope and I hope that I can help you find yours as well.

*remembering baby Clara, born too soon*
Love you Lots
          &
Miss you Much!