Sorry, I took a short break. It was hard to type the last entry and I needed the time to think about the next few blogs. They're going to be just as hard and the story is much the same. I think that was one of the worst things about the bleeding. It was always so unexpected. It happened when I was doing absolutely nothing and came with really no warnings. I thought that this would haunt me and well, it did.
This weekend and even today, I had a breakthrough. I was busy running around this weekend. Noah and I went all over town Saturday! We went to Lowes, Target, the Mall, the pet store! We were travelers. Sunday I did a lot of laundry, cooked snacks and dinner, we traveled to Babies.R.Us and finally found a new car seat for Noah and then grocery shopped. Noah is finally in a front facing only seat. It makes me sad. He was rear facing for the longest time and even after he forward faced there were many times that he requested to be turned backwards and ride rear facing. He was last rear facing about 3 months ago and he had been that way for about 5 or 6 months. Now, he is in a Trendz by baby trend car seat that forward faces with 5-point harness to 70 pounds. I think I'll do a post all about the car seat in a couple of weeks, just to let you know how it's going.
After being so busy Sunday, we finally made it home! I put the groceries away, wrapped up dinner, watched a movie with Noah and got him in the bath. By the time I finally got a minute to sit down and relax (who am I kidding, I relaxed all day!!) it was about 10 or 10:30 pm. I pulled out my journal and went to write and it hit me. It almost took my breath away. Today I missed something. I didn't know how to feel. Was I a bad mom?! Was I forgetting?! How could I forget?!
This Sunday, April 29 was baby Clara's 5 week birthday. It was the first Sunday since her birth that I wasn't sitting at home staring at the clock. I was anxious and sad anticipating the timeline that I had relived every Sunday since March 25. I was out, having fun. I can even remember doing a time check and it was 3:14pm. That was one minute before the time of her birth. How could I forget, or better yet, how could I not remember. I think this is part of healing. I didn't dwell on her loss all day Sunday as I had the previous Sundays. I didn't count minutes or stare at the clock to remember the time I called Chris to come home, the time we made it to the hospital, the time Dr. C said she could see her heart beating on the ultrasound and the time she was born. Everyday this controls my life less and less. In some ways I feel more free but in some I feel more lost.
Today I had another moment of healing. It was more a moment of panic, sadness and healing. I woke up with my period. At first I panicked. Oh.My.Goodness! Why am I bleeding?! Where is it coming from?! Is it heavy enough to go to the hospital?! Am I going to be okay?! Then, I remembered that it was okay to have this bleeding, in fact it was normal. I haven't felt normal since Clara's birth but this, my period, is natural and normal. Then, I was sad. Sad that I had a period and was no longer pregnant. Now, I wasn't even really postpartum. Now, I was just a person with a period. The next time someone asks me when my LMP was they will have no follow up questions as to why it was so long ago and why I wasn't pregnant. Now, I wouldn't get to share Clara's story and let everyone know that even though my story super sucks that I survived it, that I am okay. I am normal. I am healing and I will continue to be a better person because of my experiences.
Such a beautiful post... I can remember that first day that I didn't remember Gabrielle every minute... it felt free but then so heavy when I realised what was missing. And I also cried when my first period came... it was as though my time with her was really over and every word you wrote reminds me of that time. Thank you for sharing your story and here for you xoxo
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. As I read your words I think "exactly". Maybe it is because our angles went to heaven only 2 days apart, maybe all mom's of angels feel the same, I don't know, but I sometimes feel like I have written that blog post in my head before when I read your words.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that you moved forward a bit. Someone this week told me you never move on but you do move forward. I love reading where you are at because your loss was recent and Jonathan's mine was pretty recent also. I really relate to what you say. I look forward to that car seat review we are in the market for one soon. Hugs sweet friend. I hope to see you on the link up tomorrow :)
ReplyDeleteI am visiting from Tesha's link up :)
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
My heart goes out to you,ugh that mean lady you work with I read about in your last post made me so upset...how heartless!
Just know you are not alone in this walk.
I remember asking a friend of mine after I lost my son when it would go back to normal(she had lost a son too.) or even how is it even possible for life to go back to normal. She told me it won't go back to the normal you remember but it will go back to a normal you can get used too. Everything takes time and that is perfectly fine.
ReplyDelete