I'm so lost and so torn. I know my blog is outdated and boring but my life has been one wild ride. My goal is to get this thing updated and have a new post daily. I need to write all these things down. My experiences may help someone going through something similar and if they can then they definitely need to be shared.
I am Victoria. My sweet baby girl was born at 22 weeks on March 25. Today is her 4 week birthday but she isn't celebrating it here with me. She's not even celebrating in the NICU. She was born too early for the hospital to do anything to help her survive. She died shortly after she was born. This is the toughest journey of my life and though I have an amazing support system here with me I feel like I carry this burden alone. I hope to share with you all my story and my grief so that maybe we all can heal a little more.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of my baby or miss her. I have good days and bad days. Most days I still cry but there are some days when I don't. Sometimes I feel bad about that, you know, not crying or physically mourning my loss but other times I feel so overwhelmed by the dark cloud hanging over me I think that it will consume me. I also have a 4 year old son who understands to the best of his comprehension the things that are going on. He knows mommy is sad and if you ask him about being a big brother, he'll tell you, he is a big brother but his baby sister live in Heaven with Jesus and not here with us. Some days he still asks about when we will have a baby that we can bring home and I just don't have the answer for that. I don't know if I ever will.
I do want more children but I can't go through this again. I know there are women who have suffered many losses and still persevere, longing for that baby that they can bring home. I just can't be one of them. I don't think I can have another pregnancy and not worry and freak out every single day. If I could have it my way I would jump right back in to TTC (trying to conceive) but then it feels like I'm just trying to replace my baby.
Over the coming weeks I want to share my pregnancy and loss with all of you as well as my new thoughts from the day. Thank you for all of your support.