Happy 1 Month Birthday.

Today, at 3:15pm to be exact, is baby Clara's one month birthday. When I was pregnant, I planned the first 6 months of birthdays. Well, I planned them for my healthy baby Clara. Today, we were going to wake up singing Happy Birthday, take a happy bath in the sink, sing and dance more than on a regular day, do something special like go to the park with big brother or maybe just go for a special walk. I even had a present picked out. It was one of those car seat clip mobiles. It's soft and makes noise when you squeeze it and a crinkly sound when you touch it. It was originally a gift that my mom bought for Noah when he was a baby. She bought it on our first outing at Babies.R.Us.Baby Clara would have loved it!

I also made plans for baby Clara in case she was in the NICU. When I first started having problems in my pregnancy, my mind darted ahead and quickly planned for all the what-ifs. Well, maybe not all of them but certainly for the two courses in which I thought my pregnancy would possibly go. I planned for a happy healthy baby and I planned for a strong, sick, fighting for her life baby. I got neither. However, if baby Clara would have been in the NICU for her one month birthday, today, her little incubator or warmer would have been decorated with lavender colors and pastel pinks! I would have made a pretty sign just to let everyone know how blessed we were to have our sweet baby still fighting and getting stronger!

I desperately want to celebrate. I want to hold her and dance with her but today won't be like that. Today, I will try my best to put on my happy face and go about my day. I long to sing happy birthday to her but all I have are my memories and an urn. Who sings happy birthday to an urn?!? Probably a sad, broken mommy.

I couldn't just let today come and go as so many of her weekly birthdays have. I know I remember them every Sunday. I still know exactly how my day was going and how I felt. I remember everything that happened and no one else does. I don't want her to be forgotten. Ever!

So, today, in honor and memory of my sweet baby girl I asked all of our friends and family to wear something lavender or pastel pink. Maybe something with a little glitter!! I know this is something small and, everyone has to get dressed today so, please, if you think about it, help us remember celebrate baby Clara and her one month birthday!!