I is the sweetest little girl! She is a hyperactive toddler with a strong, sassy, attitude! She is a healer and a hope. She is fun and loves shoes. I have the best time with her!!
When I found out I was finally pregnant in 2013, I was scared and excited. I made a promise to care for my baby, protect my baby, and do everything within my power to ensure a safe, healthy, successful pregnancy. I made a promise to myself that I would advocate for myself better than I had with Clara and that I would fight at all costs to get the two of us to the finish line.
As usual, I had a very textbook, relaxed, easy-peasy pregnancy. I loved every second of it! I was a beautiful pregnant women. I cherished every symptom, every flutter, movement, appointment, test, exam, and ultrasound.
I wrote letters weekly to my sweet baby with all of my hopes and dreams. Every letter expressing how loved and wanted the baby was.
Though I felt like I had a great relationship with my care team I always remember how they had let me down in the past and I wasn't willing to take that risk with my sweet rainbow baby. With the constant nagging feeling of being let down, abandoned, and left to fend for myself by my care team, I chose to seek a back up team that I could have on standby just in case my pregnancy started to change.
Four months in and we found out our rainbow baby was going to be a girl. I was so excited for the second chance to be the mother of a baby girl, to have a lifetime companion who I could shop and spa with.
She arrived at 39 weeks! I had been in labor all day but was determined to have a fund day out with N. My contractions were manageable and I knew that they could last for hours. N and I went out for lunch, to the beach, to the park, and all around! We had an amazing day. It was probably 2am when I knew it was time to go get checked.
My contractions had been 2 to 5 minutes apart for over 3 hours and lasting between 30-55 seconds. I was keeping track on some cool app that I had at the time. The contractions were getting more frequent and more painful. I drove myself to my primary hospital and told them I thought I was in labor. I was checked in and hooked up to a fetal heart monitor for about an hour. Then the doctor came in and told me I was not in labor that I had no recorded contractions. I asked her how they expected to monitor contractions when the sensor was not hooked up. She told me that she could have someone hook it up and that they would monitor me for a couple more hours and then I could be discharged.
I kind of blew her off as she was simply a resident and not part of my care team. I asked her, if I truly was not in labor then why was I in such pain? Rhythmic pain? She had no answer and advised that I would be discharged and should return if the pain persisted or got worse. I asked her, so what you're telling me is that I'm being discharged so that I can go back out front and check back in. She replied that I could do that if I felt it was necessary and left. The nurse came in to discharge me and I cried. I was so shocked that I was being blown off by my primary team, again!!
I managed my way home and then decided that I needed to seek a second opinion. I drove myself to my back up hospital and was welcomed by my team!! I was quickly checked in, roomed, and monitored. Confirmed to be in labor I was advised of my options. I was scared shitless at that point requested a c-section. By the time we made it to the OR I was 7cm and 20 minutes later baby I was born!
She was born ready! She was wide awake, hungry, and excited to be earthside. She latched like a pro and we had an amazing breastfeeding relationship for 15 months.
Now at two and a half, I loves baby dolls, playing mommy, fine dining, candy, shopping, and snuggling! She is an absolute sweetheart and I cannot wait to watch her grow.
Thursday, January 5, 2017
Wednesday, January 4, 2017
What's been up with N?!
Little N is not so little anymore! He is super big into soccer and running. He also recently started enjoying surfing and even got a cool surfboard for Christmas. N also loves skateboarding and we frequent the skate park!
N is also a great scholar!! He is and A, sometimes B student. He is really good at math and science. Reading is not his favorite subject but he powers through it. He loves writing his own stories and occasionally reads for fun, mostly when he's avoiding going to bed. :)
Since we last left off N has played soccer, two seasons a year, always back to back. We are looking forward to our last season of recreational soccer, spring 2017, and training hard for our first season of competitive league in the fall!! I have big hopes and dreams that this will lead him down the path of many opportunities and open doors!!
N still talks about his sweet angel sister all the time. Baby Clara's forever box sits proudly in our living room where everyone can see it. We include baby Clara in all of our family functions! N always picks out a cupcake for her birthday and is such an amazingly proud big brother. It always touches me deeply when people ask him how many brothers/sisters he has, he ALWAYS, without hesitation responds with "two sisters, one is this old and the other is this old". He knows how old Clara would be and talks about her as if she's just at home waiting for us.
N sometimes struggles with OCD and anxiety but he manages it very well. He has some occasional ticks and ritualistic behaviors that he conducts but they do not interfere with his day to day life and are very much controlled.
During his soccer off season N enjoys running a lot and fast! He is also enjoying Minecraft and Roblocks. It's so cool to see him become his own person and watch him evolve from one stage of life to the next!!
N is also a great scholar!! He is and A, sometimes B student. He is really good at math and science. Reading is not his favorite subject but he powers through it. He loves writing his own stories and occasionally reads for fun, mostly when he's avoiding going to bed. :)
Since we last left off N has played soccer, two seasons a year, always back to back. We are looking forward to our last season of recreational soccer, spring 2017, and training hard for our first season of competitive league in the fall!! I have big hopes and dreams that this will lead him down the path of many opportunities and open doors!!
N still talks about his sweet angel sister all the time. Baby Clara's forever box sits proudly in our living room where everyone can see it. We include baby Clara in all of our family functions! N always picks out a cupcake for her birthday and is such an amazingly proud big brother. It always touches me deeply when people ask him how many brothers/sisters he has, he ALWAYS, without hesitation responds with "two sisters, one is this old and the other is this old". He knows how old Clara would be and talks about her as if she's just at home waiting for us.
N sometimes struggles with OCD and anxiety but he manages it very well. He has some occasional ticks and ritualistic behaviors that he conducts but they do not interfere with his day to day life and are very much controlled.
During his soccer off season N enjoys running a lot and fast! He is also enjoying Minecraft and Roblocks. It's so cool to see him become his own person and watch him evolve from one stage of life to the next!!
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
What's been up with me?!?
Last I left off in 2013 I was a hot hot mess. I was in the depths of depression and full blown PTSD. Experiencing the loss of a child is horrific! Add to that the insult of being treated like a lunatic drug seeker by your healthcare team and it wrecks your life. After that experience I decided that medicine was not for me. I couldn't trust my judgement. I couldn't advocate for myself much less a patient who trusted me. I couldn't even walk by the hospital without getting a pit in my stomach, without panicking, without being put right back in the moment when I honestly thought I was dying.
I spent much of 2013 running to the ER struck with flashbacks, hallucinations, and pain. I became a burden to my family. The hubs never went with me or lifted me up so I began to rely on my mom to rescue me. Well, after a couple of late night calls to beg her to come sit in the ER with me I could tell that she was over me. I was becoming an inconvenience and a nuisance. I stopped calling. I began facing all of my battles and struggles alone.
I had to change my major in school. I had always been set on being a doctor. I wanted to be the best, be the smartest, and be the most successful but alas, I couldn't even look at the hospital without breaking a sweat. I dropped my pre-med major and switched to Health Administration. I tackled that coursework like a pro!! and graduated in December 2014 but I'm getting ahead of myself.
I struggled through day to day activities and lost the joy and happiness of living. I was simply surviving. I was afraid ALL of the time. I would sit at my desk and cry. I had so many triggers that would just set me off. In one of my most desperate moments I was lying on the floor in an exam room, at work, crying, begging, pleading for everything to stop! I was caught in the middle of the worst "attack" I've ever had. Coming out of it I decided that there was no one out there capable of saving me. I needed to save myself or I would consume myself. After that moment day-by-day I made little improvements.
The hubs and I welcomed our third baby in June 2014. Her delivery was also close to a disaster but for other reasons which I'll post about in the future but it was also a healing time. My pregnancy was uneventful. I enjoyed it but mostly just because I LOVE being pregnant. I had a hard time bonding with her after she was born. She was more my project and responsibility than my sweet new baby. We've come a long way and even enjoyed a great 15 months of actual breastfeeding (pumping until 2yrs).
In August 2015 we took another trip to Ireland! It was so much more enjoyable than our first as I was not actively battling PTSD and depression, fighting to survive. We rented an adorable apartment and traveled as we pleased. Baby girl handled the trip fantastically!! She is a born traveler.
In October 2015 I was accepted into a local nursing program. It has been an amazing journey and I am ecstatic to say that next week I will be starting my last 16 weeks of the program and plan to take my licensing exam at the end of May. Then we're off to Northern Ireland for our first experience there and then across to Scotland for another first!!
Well, that's the EXTREMELY condensed version of the last 3+ years. :)
-Victoria-
I spent much of 2013 running to the ER struck with flashbacks, hallucinations, and pain. I became a burden to my family. The hubs never went with me or lifted me up so I began to rely on my mom to rescue me. Well, after a couple of late night calls to beg her to come sit in the ER with me I could tell that she was over me. I was becoming an inconvenience and a nuisance. I stopped calling. I began facing all of my battles and struggles alone.
I had to change my major in school. I had always been set on being a doctor. I wanted to be the best, be the smartest, and be the most successful but alas, I couldn't even look at the hospital without breaking a sweat. I dropped my pre-med major and switched to Health Administration. I tackled that coursework like a pro!! and graduated in December 2014 but I'm getting ahead of myself.
I struggled through day to day activities and lost the joy and happiness of living. I was simply surviving. I was afraid ALL of the time. I would sit at my desk and cry. I had so many triggers that would just set me off. In one of my most desperate moments I was lying on the floor in an exam room, at work, crying, begging, pleading for everything to stop! I was caught in the middle of the worst "attack" I've ever had. Coming out of it I decided that there was no one out there capable of saving me. I needed to save myself or I would consume myself. After that moment day-by-day I made little improvements.
The hubs and I welcomed our third baby in June 2014. Her delivery was also close to a disaster but for other reasons which I'll post about in the future but it was also a healing time. My pregnancy was uneventful. I enjoyed it but mostly just because I LOVE being pregnant. I had a hard time bonding with her after she was born. She was more my project and responsibility than my sweet new baby. We've come a long way and even enjoyed a great 15 months of actual breastfeeding (pumping until 2yrs).
In August 2015 we took another trip to Ireland! It was so much more enjoyable than our first as I was not actively battling PTSD and depression, fighting to survive. We rented an adorable apartment and traveled as we pleased. Baby girl handled the trip fantastically!! She is a born traveler.
In October 2015 I was accepted into a local nursing program. It has been an amazing journey and I am ecstatic to say that next week I will be starting my last 16 weeks of the program and plan to take my licensing exam at the end of May. Then we're off to Northern Ireland for our first experience there and then across to Scotland for another first!!
Well, that's the EXTREMELY condensed version of the last 3+ years. :)
-Victoria-
Monday, January 2, 2017
Welcome to 2017!!
Wow! I've been gone from the blogging world for far too long!! This year promises to be a very prosperous one full of changes, advances, hope, and new beginnings. I am looking forward to sharing this year with all of you and will update my profile as well as my family role call soon!!
Lots of love,
Victoria
Lots of love,
Victoria
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
A day in the Life!!
Monday was one of the busiest days I've had in a while!! Hubs and I took the day off because we had an appointment to get our passport applications processed. That was an adventure all in itself. Apparently you can't use a credit card to pay for certain parts of the application fees. I was afraid that they might cancel out appointment or ask us to reschedule for a time when we had a check or money order to cover the non-credit approved fees. UGH! In the end everything was just fine but I definitely think I was nervous about getting it completed.
Oops, I missed just about the whole day and jumped ahead to the most exciting part!! The morning started out nice. We all got up in a nice calm manner. I cooked breakfast for everyone, took a shower, fixed my hair and made sure I had all of our documents for the day organized. First up Noah had his annual physical appt. He did great and passed with flying colors!! After that we ran over to the dentist office! Hubs and Noah had appts with the new dentist. Let me just say, I was very unsure about the dentist. I mean, yes he had great reviews but there were just some things that I wasn't a big fan of. He did great with Noah and the thing that sealed the deal was that the hubs was impressed with him. Looks like he's a keeper. Noah and I ran home to whip up some lunch and then rushed downtown to the U.S. Passport Agency for our appointments which I've highlighted. After we finished the passport appointments I felt like I could breathe easy. That was the original reason that we even took the day off, since both of us had to be present to apply for Noah's passport.
We came home and took the time to rest for about 10 minutes before we headed out the door and off to another appointment. Noah had his eyes checked. It was a good experience. I'll give him credit, we had a full day and he was just a little antsy during the eye exam. It wasn't too bad. The optometrist was really nice too. Noah checked out perfectly with 20/20 vision and no need for glasses! Woohoo!! We headed out from our appointment feeling really well and whaat better way to top off our family run around day? A trip to the gym, of course. All three of us hit the gym to get in our cardio for the day and then retired to the house for the evening.
What a great fun filled day!!
Oops, I missed just about the whole day and jumped ahead to the most exciting part!! The morning started out nice. We all got up in a nice calm manner. I cooked breakfast for everyone, took a shower, fixed my hair and made sure I had all of our documents for the day organized. First up Noah had his annual physical appt. He did great and passed with flying colors!! After that we ran over to the dentist office! Hubs and Noah had appts with the new dentist. Let me just say, I was very unsure about the dentist. I mean, yes he had great reviews but there were just some things that I wasn't a big fan of. He did great with Noah and the thing that sealed the deal was that the hubs was impressed with him. Looks like he's a keeper. Noah and I ran home to whip up some lunch and then rushed downtown to the U.S. Passport Agency for our appointments which I've highlighted. After we finished the passport appointments I felt like I could breathe easy. That was the original reason that we even took the day off, since both of us had to be present to apply for Noah's passport.
We came home and took the time to rest for about 10 minutes before we headed out the door and off to another appointment. Noah had his eyes checked. It was a good experience. I'll give him credit, we had a full day and he was just a little antsy during the eye exam. It wasn't too bad. The optometrist was really nice too. Noah checked out perfectly with 20/20 vision and no need for glasses! Woohoo!! We headed out from our appointment feeling really well and whaat better way to top off our family run around day? A trip to the gym, of course. All three of us hit the gym to get in our cardio for the day and then retired to the house for the evening.
What a great fun filled day!!
Monday, May 6, 2013
Clara's Birthday and Remembering.
Clara's one year birthday was definitely a celebration for me. I was worried that I would have a rough day but it ended up being a nice day. The Saturday before Clara's Angelversary I hosted a luncheon with the women closest to me to remember baby Clara. It was a nice time. My mom, sister and best friend attended. To invite them I wrote each of them a personalized invitation. I wrote about a non-traditional first birthday celebration and I wrote something personal to each of them and at the end I asked that they please join me at the certain date and time to celebrate Baby Clara. They all showed up and it was nice. We all ate and they all listened to me jabber on about how important they weree to me. Without the support of those women, there is no way that I would be as strong as I am today. I would probably still be laying on the couch and crying my way through Ho.bby Lo.bby. Instead, I'm breezing through school, taking care of my house, being an outstanding mom to Noah, succeeding in life and overall just thriving. I'm so astounded as to how far I've come. When I was sitting up in my hospital bed at 4am pouring my soul into a fluffy fleece blanket, I didn't think that I would ever recover.
No, I'm not the same Victoria that I was in 2011 but this is who I am and I think I'm doing well. I feel empowered and brave. I feel stronger than I ever have and I'm learning to trust myself again. This year, I hope to work on my not for profit organization in honor of Clara and seeing how far I can succceed with that. One day I hope to offer financial support to a family who has a similar story to mine and Claras.
Another thing that I wanted to touch on was how Noah has handled all of this. I think he's doing amazing. After Clara was born, I knew that I wanted Noah to see her. I wanted him to hold her and cherish her just like I did. Noah did see his sister . He chose not to hold her and that's okay. He gave her kisses and told her how beautifel she was. I was worried that he would forget, that he wouldn't want to remember her but he does. He loves his little sister. He talks about her and even changes the bow on her urn. He's even a protective big brother!! He hollers at the cat if she gets too close to Clara's urn and area. The other night he had his first sleep over and he even corrected his friend when he got too close to Clara's area and when he tried to open the door to Clara's nursery. He hollered and said "we don't go in there". I love that he cares about her. Sometimes it makes me sad when he says things like, maybe next time we can have a baby that we can bring home from the hospital. Ouch... I know that he'll make a fantastic big brother and I only hope that he gets the chance.
Everyday, we try to do something to remember Baby Clara. She is very much a part of our family and we all love her very much. I only hope that we will all be together one day and that she isn't alone in Heaven. I imagine that she's a petite little thing, with silky strawberry blonde ringlet hair. Clara has her own littlee space in our living room. It was a little rough, trying to figure out where to place her urn. At first, I kept it in our bedroom. I didn't want anyone to touch it, or look at it, or even know about it. Then I felt like I wasn;t being fair. I wanted to love and honor Clara and so she found her home in our most visited spot, the livingroom.
Clara's urn is proudly displayed in our home and is clearly visible for all of our friends and family who enter our home. It is my hope that by sharing Clara, her story, her legacy, her urn so freely, that it will help honor her memory and let her live on.
No, I'm not the same Victoria that I was in 2011 but this is who I am and I think I'm doing well. I feel empowered and brave. I feel stronger than I ever have and I'm learning to trust myself again. This year, I hope to work on my not for profit organization in honor of Clara and seeing how far I can succceed with that. One day I hope to offer financial support to a family who has a similar story to mine and Claras.
Another thing that I wanted to touch on was how Noah has handled all of this. I think he's doing amazing. After Clara was born, I knew that I wanted Noah to see her. I wanted him to hold her and cherish her just like I did. Noah did see his sister . He chose not to hold her and that's okay. He gave her kisses and told her how beautifel she was. I was worried that he would forget, that he wouldn't want to remember her but he does. He loves his little sister. He talks about her and even changes the bow on her urn. He's even a protective big brother!! He hollers at the cat if she gets too close to Clara's urn and area. The other night he had his first sleep over and he even corrected his friend when he got too close to Clara's area and when he tried to open the door to Clara's nursery. He hollered and said "we don't go in there". I love that he cares about her. Sometimes it makes me sad when he says things like, maybe next time we can have a baby that we can bring home from the hospital. Ouch... I know that he'll make a fantastic big brother and I only hope that he gets the chance.
Everyday, we try to do something to remember Baby Clara. She is very much a part of our family and we all love her very much. I only hope that we will all be together one day and that she isn't alone in Heaven. I imagine that she's a petite little thing, with silky strawberry blonde ringlet hair. Clara has her own littlee space in our living room. It was a little rough, trying to figure out where to place her urn. At first, I kept it in our bedroom. I didn't want anyone to touch it, or look at it, or even know about it. Then I felt like I wasn;t being fair. I wanted to love and honor Clara and so she found her home in our most visited spot, the livingroom.
Clara's urn is proudly displayed in our home and is clearly visible for all of our friends and family who enter our home. It is my hope that by sharing Clara, her story, her legacy, her urn so freely, that it will help honor her memory and let her live on.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Back again!!
Well friends, it's been some time since I last wrote. Wow, 4 months already. Time sure does fly!! School has been going really well. I just finished spring semester. I finished with all A's and A's. It was great!! The summer semester begins this coming Wednesday, May 8th. Yikes!!! Another full semester and then time for our vacation. I can't wait, well, I guess I can. I am so not looking forward to the fliight but I suppose I will survive.
On the front of my recovery I would venture to say that things have been going very well. I have been so blessed to have a great provider. She listens to me anI feel like she really has my best interrests in mind. I did have a bleeding scare and went to see my midwife/gyn. She was a bit helpful but almost blew off my concerns. I didn't really find the reassurance that I was looking for but in the end I didn't have a freakout that required an ER visit. I am proud to say that I have not been to an Emergency Room since January. What a great accomplishment for someone who went at least once a month for about 6 months. I still have moments where I panic or worry but I am confident enough, now to stop and evaluate myself and then I feel better.
Another step in my healing I came to on my own terrms was that I cleaned the nursery. I cleaned out baby Clara's room. I put away all the baby clothes. I consolidated the entire room into 4 tubs of things, the broken down crib and the changing station is still set up with the baskets full of newborn diapers and cloth diapers. I don't stare at them and feel saddness. I look at them and wonder how I ever ended up with so many diaperrs. Funny how things work out. I just got up the courage to breakdown the nursery, which wee still refer to as Baby Clara's room, and I think we're on the verge of trying again for baby #3. I am excited and terrified at the same time. I know I always say it but I do plan to keep up this blog more. Especially with the anticipation of a pregnancy, I can't leave you guys in the dark.
I also need to do a photo update! Noah has had a great season in soccer!! We decided not to go back to tball for the spring and we stayed with soccer. We were luck to be on the same coach's team. Coach S is great and I think Noah really looks up to him. He's on the team with two of the same boys he was with in the fall. It's great to see the three of them interact and work together. After soccer, Noah will probably go back to swim lessons and I'm also looking into some kind of sports camp for the summer that doesn't interfere with our vacation plans. Kindergarten coming in the fall and I can't wait to see how that goes!!
Well, thank you all for hanging in there with me and supporting me. I have the other parts of my pregnancy and birth saga in drafts. I just have not had the guts to post. I know this is a public blog and I don't want to face the scrutiny. Thank you all again for everything and for hanging in there with me!! I look forward to sharing with you soon!
Well, thank you all for hanging in there with me and supporting me. I have the other parts of my pregnancy and birth saga in drafts. I just have not had the guts to post. I know this is a public blog and I don't want to face the scrutiny. Thank you all again for everything and for hanging in there with me!! I look forward to sharing with you soon!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)