MY 2017!!!

This is the year of ME!! I am so focused on the rays of light shining in my tunnel I can barely express it!!

2017 schedule of events;

January- classes resume!! Term 4
               Receive a super re-stock on my favorite all-natural supplements
               Tell at least 10 of my friends about how great ^^^ those supplements are! and start a health                  and wellness group with them

February- complete my first 30-day challenge and share my results, shout them from the rooftops!!
                 First 8 weeks of Term 4 will be completed

March- 10 year anniversary celebration
             Spring Break
             Clara's 5 year Angelversary
           

April- N's birthday
           Term 4 Final Exam!

May- Graduation!
          State Licensing Exam

June- Summer Break
          Vacation

July- December- Searching for my dream job or a dream residency
                            Family Reunion
                            Everyone's birthday
                            Every other holiday!

So, as you can see, I am packed full of goodness for 2017!! I plan to continue to update this blog as much as I can, especially once school starts! I want to share my health journey with everyone and all of the joy I can!!

What's been up with N?!

Little N is not so little anymore! He is super big into soccer and running. He also recently started enjoying surfing and even got a cool surfboard for Christmas. N also loves skateboarding and we frequent the skate park!

N is also a great scholar!! He is and A, sometimes B student. He is really good at math and science. Reading is not his favorite subject but he powers through it. He loves writing his own stories and occasionally reads for fun, mostly when he's avoiding going to bed. :)

Since we last left off N has played soccer, two seasons a year, always back to back. We are looking forward to our last season of recreational soccer, spring 2017, and training hard for our first season of competitive league in the fall!! I have big hopes and dreams that this will lead him down the path of many opportunities and open doors!!

N still talks about his sweet angel sister all the time. Baby Clara's forever box sits proudly in our living room where everyone can see it. We include baby Clara in all of our family functions! N always picks out a cupcake for her birthday and is such an amazingly proud big brother. It always touches me deeply when people ask him how many brothers/sisters he has, he ALWAYS, without hesitation responds with "two sisters, one is this old and the other is this old". He knows how old Clara would be and talks about her as if she's just at home waiting for us.

N sometimes struggles with OCD and anxiety but he manages it very well. He has some occasional ticks and ritualistic behaviors that he conducts but they do not interfere with his day to day life and are very much controlled.

During his soccer off season N enjoys running a lot and fast! He is also enjoying Minecraft and Roblocks. It's so cool to see him become his own person and watch him evolve from one stage of life to the next!!

Clara's Birthday and Remembering.

Clara's one year birthday was definitely a celebration for me. I was worried that I would have a rough day but it ended up being a nice day. The Saturday before Clara's Angelversary I hosted a luncheon with the women closest to me to remember baby Clara. It was a nice time. My mom, sister and best friend attended. To invite them I wrote each of them a personalized invitation. I wrote about a non-traditional first birthday celebration and I wrote something personal to each of them and at the end I asked that they please join me at the certain date and time to celebrate Baby Clara. They all showed up and it was nice. We all ate and they all listened to me jabber on about how important they weree to me. Without the support of those women, there is no way that I would be as strong as I am today. I would probably still be laying on the couch and crying my way through Ho.bby Lo.bby. Instead, I'm breezing through school, taking care of my house, being an outstanding mom to Noah, succeeding in life and overall just thriving. I'm so astounded as to how far I've come. When I was sitting up in my hospital bed at 4am pouring my soul into a fluffy fleece blanket, I didn't think that I would ever recover.

No, I'm not the same Victoria that I was in 2011 but this is who I am and I think I'm doing well. I feel empowered and brave. I feel stronger than I ever have and I'm learning to trust myself again. This year, I hope to work on my not for profit organization in honor of Clara and seeing how far I can succceed with that. One day I hope to offer financial support to a family who has a similar story to mine and Claras.

Another thing that I wanted to touch on was how Noah has handled all of this. I think he's doing amazing. After Clara was born, I knew that I wanted Noah to see her. I wanted him to hold her and cherish her just like I did. Noah did see his sister . He chose not to hold her and that's okay. He gave her kisses and told her how beautifel she was. I was worried that he would forget, that he wouldn't want to remember her but he does. He loves his little sister. He talks about her and even changes the bow on her urn. He's even a protective big brother!! He hollers at the cat if she gets too close to Clara's urn and area. The other night he had his first sleep over and he even corrected his friend when he got too close to Clara's area and when he tried to open the door to Clara's nursery. He hollered and said "we don't go in there". I love that he cares about her. Sometimes it makes me sad when he says things like, maybe next time we can have a baby that we can bring home from the hospital. Ouch... I know that he'll make a fantastic big brother and I only hope that he gets the chance.

Everyday, we try to do something to remember Baby Clara. She is very much a part of our family and we all love her very much. I only hope that we will all be together one day and that she isn't alone in Heaven. I imagine that she's a petite little thing, with silky strawberry blonde ringlet hair. Clara has her own littlee space in our living room. It was a little rough, trying to figure out where to place her urn. At first, I kept it in our bedroom. I didn't want anyone to touch it, or look at it, or even know about it. Then I felt like I wasn;t being fair. I wanted to love and honor Clara and so she found her home in our most visited spot, the livingroom.

Clara's urn is proudly displayed in our home and is clearly visible for all of our friends and family who enter our home. It is my hope that by sharing Clara, her story, her legacy, her urn so freely, that it will help honor her memory and let her live on.

Still hanging around.

Thank you ladies for all of your love and support. Today is 4 moths since my sweet baby girl was born and went to heaven. Most days I struggle with the loss and how profound an effect it has had on me emotionally as well as physically. I cry sometimes, I hurt alot. It seems like if it's not one thing it's another. If I feel great physically, I'm usually riding an emotional rollercoaster and if I'm good emotionally I always seem to have some pain. It's usually my arm, my chest, my head of something crazy. It feels like all I do is go to doctors and of course, no one believes me. I feel like a lost cause and like no matter what I say or how I feel, nothing will be wrong and it will all be in my head. My doctors will think I'm crazy and then my family will to. That's what I fear the most is losing the love and support of my family. Lord knows, I really don't deserve it. I spent a great deal of my adolecents and young adulthood being a very mean, hateful, disgusting person. I hurt those around me and have done things that I can't take back. For everything I truely am sorry. I've written personal letters to those that I've hurt and tried my best to accept their forgiveness but I guess after so much it comes back to me. I guess I just can't accept it. I don't feel worthy of love.

I was reading Fifty Shades of Grey and recently finished book two. Now, in all reality, this series is just written porn but if you look past all of that the main character, Christian Grey,has a very interresting up bringing and while I cannot relate to the greater part of his childhood I get where he doesn't feel worthy of being loved. People around me tell me they love me and they do nice things for me and they're always there for me but I feel like in a crisis, I just can't turn to them. Partly because I fear that they won't be there for me and partly because I just don't feel like they care that much. I went to the hospital in the middle of the night a couple of weeks ago. My in-laws were spending the night but I just couldn't shake the feeling I was having and desperately needed a physicians consult. I got up, got dressed and left home, headed to the hospital about 2 a.m. I didn't call, text or tell anyone. I went alone because I didn't want to inconvenience anyone. I did text my mom around 4 a.m. as well as the hubs. Eventually my mom came to sit with me, just in time for them to discharge me. I hate when that happens, and it's the second time too. The first time was when I had to go back to the ER after Clara was born. I needed some spare parts removed and by the time  I let my mom know and asked her to come be with me she made it just in time for the doctor to come back in and discharge me. Same thing this time. I tried so hard to just not bother anyone but I needed someone to comfort me and as the doctor was telling me my test were negative and giving me his diagnosis, my mom walked in and 10 minutes later the nurse came in to discharge me. Again, I felt like such an inconvenience, granted I suppose my mom only got up about an hour early and we both still made it to work on time but jeez, to come all the way to me for nothing, I felt like dirt, as if I had wasted her time. I told her how I felt and that I felt that way because after crying wolf so many times people will stop responding. Even though in my heart I truely feel like something is wrong with me physically, nothing is showing up so I sontinue to waste time and money to search for an answer.

Well, I'm looking forward to getting back in to blogging and updating daily. The hubs was recently transfered closer to home and has a much more stable work schedule so I should have more time to be able to sit and let my thoughts flow! That's all I have for tonight. I'm physically and mentally exhausted!  I love you all and thanks again for your support and kindness.



Baby Clara,

As your due date inches closer and closer I feel the anxiety and saddness of the reality that you're not joining us. Noah continues to talk about you and love you so much. I've told him many times that you're so proud of him and his accomplishments and that you love him so much. He know that you live with Jesus and that you were too small to live here with us. He misses you so much. Please continue to watch over us and hold us close. The other day I told one of my good friends about you and our story. His wife went to heaven last August and she too had a baby, a little boy who went to Heaven when he was a baby. He was older than you but he went well before his mommy and daddy were ready too. So, I told my friend about you and that in the first few days after you had gone to Heaven I prayed to his wife that she would find you and hold you for me. So, if you've met a wonderful, beautiful, kind, gentle, loving woman named Betty, then that's her! I pray that she finds you and gives you tons of hugs and kisses. She's such a saint and will teach you very great things. She is missed so dearly as are you. I pray that Grandma and Grandpa B are up there with you and your cousins Ka'am and Lindsey. I pray that you're not alone and that you are comforted and never wanting. I pray all of these things for you Sweet Baby Clara and I pray for our peace and comfort in knowing that you are as perfect as you ever were and that one day we will all be together. I love you sweet girl and I miss you more than words can say.

Love you Lots, Miss you Much.
Momma.

2 Month Birthday.

Today marks two of the longest and shortest months of my life. I can't really remember being pregnant. That makes me sad. I fully remember the fear and the panic that I felt during my last 3 weeks of my pregnancy but not the joy and happiness of it.

Today is two months since baby Clara was born. It is also two months since she died. I've had an amazing week. I've felt well. I've baked tons of cookies and I've made lots of yummy dinners.

Today, though, today I am sad. Well, maybe not sad. It's a stoic day for me. I want to be happy and remember my sweet baby girl who was just not big enough to live in this world. I want to remember feeling her move and planning for her arrival but I can't. I walk by her bedroom at least 10 times a day and I usually don't even look at the door. I can't. I can't look at it and I can't open it. I want to but I just can't. I want to look at her many pretty dresses and princess sleepers but I can't. I want to look at her little shoes and her many outrageous bows but I can't. I can't look at those things wishing and praying that my daughter was here with me.

Over the past two months I welcomed my baby girl into this world and held her after she'd left. She was gone before she knew me and before she ever got to meet her brother. He loves her so much and I know he missed her. He talks about his sister, baby Clara, all the time. He is so smart and I know he would have been the best big brother. He was so excited for baby Clara. Today, he wears his lavender shirt in honor of her two month birthday. I don't have anything fun to do with my sweet baby girl today. I can't give her good morning hugs. I can't greet her in the morning with a happy birthday song. There won't be a single balloon here to tie to the rocker that I would rock her to sleep in for any nap. It's a sombering, sad day. I woke up this morning and didn't think about it.

The hubs was already getting ready for work and I went to peek at him to see what he was wearing and he had on his lavender shirt with this blue navy and lavender tie. I had asked him to wear that a couple of days ago and I was surprised that he actually remembered. I smiled and went on about my morning.

I finally made it back to our bedroom and smiled at Clara's urn. It is safely perched on top of our dresser, right next to a picture of her big brother. I've attached some pictures of her urn from her 1 month birthday. I will dress up her urn the same way and Noah and I will move it to his room, on his headboard for the day. We put it in there because it's bright and right in front of his big window. It let's all the light in and makes it seem beautiful. An urn with an outrageous bow in a gorgeous setting almost makes it seem like maybe it isn't as bad as what it really is.

You know, maybe I'm crazy for dressing up an urn but it's what helps me get through this. I want to move on and I want to live and be happy but God know I don't want to forget!! I can't. I can't embrace the things that I have here for Clara but I can't forget her either. She deserved so much better thatn the time that she had and maybe that's why God called her back so soon. I also realize that maybe she was never mine, she is and always was His. I was just supposed to love and take care of her. I tried my best and I hope it was enough.

Clara,

I love you more than words can say. I know I pray to you all the time and talk to you but I hope you can hear me and that you know how much I love and miss you. I miss you. I miss you so much. I miss that we'll never be best friends or that we won't make cookies together. I want to hold you so bad. I know I cry alot when I think about you and when I talk to you but it's just because I don't have you here with me. I know you're here in spirit and that you're looking after our family but the selfish part of me just wants you back. I know I'll see you one day. We're doing our best here to hang on and remember you. I can't help but think of all the things you'd be doing today if you'd stayed here. Maybe you'd still be in my belly rolling around and kicking up a storm. Maybe you would still be fighting for your very life in the NICU. Maybe you would be here at home with us or maybe, my worst nightmare, you would have suffered in the NICU, in your life here on earth and you still wouldn't be with us. The what ifs are the worst but I am thankful for the time we had together and I will never forget you. Thank you for bringing me back to Jesus and for being my daughter. Thank you for looking after us baby girl. I love you and can't wait to hold you again.

Love, Mommy.



*if any of you think about it today, will you wear a pastel pink or lavender in honor of Baby Clara and her 2 month birthday. Thank you.

HAPPY 2 MONTH BIRTHDAY BABY CLARA. WE LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU!

Happy 1 Month Birthday.

Today, at 3:15pm to be exact, is baby Clara's one month birthday. When I was pregnant, I planned the first 6 months of birthdays. Well, I planned them for my healthy baby Clara. Today, we were going to wake up singing Happy Birthday, take a happy bath in the sink, sing and dance more than on a regular day, do something special like go to the park with big brother or maybe just go for a special walk. I even had a present picked out. It was one of those car seat clip mobiles. It's soft and makes noise when you squeeze it and a crinkly sound when you touch it. It was originally a gift that my mom bought for Noah when he was a baby. She bought it on our first outing at Babies.R.Us.Baby Clara would have loved it!

I also made plans for baby Clara in case she was in the NICU. When I first started having problems in my pregnancy, my mind darted ahead and quickly planned for all the what-ifs. Well, maybe not all of them but certainly for the two courses in which I thought my pregnancy would possibly go. I planned for a happy healthy baby and I planned for a strong, sick, fighting for her life baby. I got neither. However, if baby Clara would have been in the NICU for her one month birthday, today, her little incubator or warmer would have been decorated with lavender colors and pastel pinks! I would have made a pretty sign just to let everyone know how blessed we were to have our sweet baby still fighting and getting stronger!

I desperately want to celebrate. I want to hold her and dance with her but today won't be like that. Today, I will try my best to put on my happy face and go about my day. I long to sing happy birthday to her but all I have are my memories and an urn. Who sings happy birthday to an urn?!? Probably a sad, broken mommy.

I couldn't just let today come and go as so many of her weekly birthdays have. I know I remember them every Sunday. I still know exactly how my day was going and how I felt. I remember everything that happened and no one else does. I don't want her to be forgotten. Ever!

So, today, in honor and memory of my sweet baby girl I asked all of our friends and family to wear something lavender or pastel pink. Maybe something with a little glitter!! I know this is something small and, everyone has to get dressed today so, please, if you think about it, help us remember celebrate baby Clara and her one month birthday!!