A day in the Life!!

Monday was one of the busiest days I've had in a while!! Hubs and I took the day off because we had an appointment to get our passport applications processed. That was an adventure all in itself. Apparently you can't use a credit card to pay for certain parts of the application fees. I was afraid that they might cancel out appointment or ask us to reschedule for a time when we had a check or money order to cover the non-credit approved fees. UGH! In the end everything was just fine but I definitely think I was nervous about getting it completed.

Oops, I missed just about the whole day and jumped ahead to the most exciting part!! The morning started out nice. We all got up in a nice calm manner. I cooked breakfast for everyone, took a shower, fixed my hair and made sure I had all of our documents for the day organized.  First up Noah had his annual physical appt. He did great and passed with flying colors!! After that we ran over to the dentist office! Hubs and Noah had appts with the new dentist. Let me just say, I was very unsure about the dentist. I mean, yes he had great reviews but there were just some things that I wasn't a big fan of. He did great with Noah and the thing that sealed the deal was that the hubs was impressed with him. Looks like he's a keeper. Noah and I ran home to whip up some lunch and then rushed downtown to the U.S. Passport Agency for our appointments which I've highlighted. After we finished the passport appointments I felt like I could breathe easy. That was the original reason that we even took the day off, since both of us had to be present to apply for Noah's passport.

We came home and took the time to rest for about 10 minutes before we headed out the door and off to another appointment. Noah had his eyes checked. It was a good experience. I'll give him credit, we had a full day and he was just a little antsy during the eye exam. It wasn't too bad. The optometrist was really nice too. Noah checked out perfectly with 20/20 vision and no need for glasses! Woohoo!! We headed out from our appointment feeling really well and whaat better way to top off our family run around day? A trip to the gym, of course. All three of us hit the gym to get in our cardio for the day and then retired to the house for the evening.

What a great fun filled day!!

Clara's Birthday and Remembering.

Clara's one year birthday was definitely a celebration for me. I was worried that I would have a rough day but it ended up being a nice day. The Saturday before Clara's Angelversary I hosted a luncheon with the women closest to me to remember baby Clara. It was a nice time. My mom, sister and best friend attended. To invite them I wrote each of them a personalized invitation. I wrote about a non-traditional first birthday celebration and I wrote something personal to each of them and at the end I asked that they please join me at the certain date and time to celebrate Baby Clara. They all showed up and it was nice. We all ate and they all listened to me jabber on about how important they weree to me. Without the support of those women, there is no way that I would be as strong as I am today. I would probably still be laying on the couch and crying my way through Ho.bby Lo.bby. Instead, I'm breezing through school, taking care of my house, being an outstanding mom to Noah, succeeding in life and overall just thriving. I'm so astounded as to how far I've come. When I was sitting up in my hospital bed at 4am pouring my soul into a fluffy fleece blanket, I didn't think that I would ever recover.

No, I'm not the same Victoria that I was in 2011 but this is who I am and I think I'm doing well. I feel empowered and brave. I feel stronger than I ever have and I'm learning to trust myself again. This year, I hope to work on my not for profit organization in honor of Clara and seeing how far I can succceed with that. One day I hope to offer financial support to a family who has a similar story to mine and Claras.

Another thing that I wanted to touch on was how Noah has handled all of this. I think he's doing amazing. After Clara was born, I knew that I wanted Noah to see her. I wanted him to hold her and cherish her just like I did. Noah did see his sister . He chose not to hold her and that's okay. He gave her kisses and told her how beautifel she was. I was worried that he would forget, that he wouldn't want to remember her but he does. He loves his little sister. He talks about her and even changes the bow on her urn. He's even a protective big brother!! He hollers at the cat if she gets too close to Clara's urn and area. The other night he had his first sleep over and he even corrected his friend when he got too close to Clara's area and when he tried to open the door to Clara's nursery. He hollered and said "we don't go in there". I love that he cares about her. Sometimes it makes me sad when he says things like, maybe next time we can have a baby that we can bring home from the hospital. Ouch... I know that he'll make a fantastic big brother and I only hope that he gets the chance.

Everyday, we try to do something to remember Baby Clara. She is very much a part of our family and we all love her very much. I only hope that we will all be together one day and that she isn't alone in Heaven. I imagine that she's a petite little thing, with silky strawberry blonde ringlet hair. Clara has her own littlee space in our living room. It was a little rough, trying to figure out where to place her urn. At first, I kept it in our bedroom. I didn't want anyone to touch it, or look at it, or even know about it. Then I felt like I wasn;t being fair. I wanted to love and honor Clara and so she found her home in our most visited spot, the livingroom.

Clara's urn is proudly displayed in our home and is clearly visible for all of our friends and family who enter our home. It is my hope that by sharing Clara, her story, her legacy, her urn so freely, that it will help honor her memory and let her live on.

Back again!!

Well friends, it's been some time since I last wrote. Wow, 4 months already. Time sure does fly!! School has been going really well. I just finished spring semester. I finished with all A's and A's. It was great!! The summer semester begins this coming Wednesday, May 8th. Yikes!!! Another full semester and then time for our vacation. I can't wait, well, I guess I can. I am so not looking forward to the fliight but I suppose I will survive.

On the front of my recovery I would venture to say that things have been going very well. I have been so blessed to have a great provider. She listens to me anI feel like she really has my best interrests in mind. I did have a bleeding scare and went to see my midwife/gyn. She was a bit helpful but almost blew off my concerns. I didn't really find the reassurance that I was looking for but in the end I didn't have a freakout that required an ER visit. I am proud to say that I have not been to an Emergency Room since January. What a great accomplishment for someone who went at least once a month for about 6 months. I still have moments where I panic or worry but I am confident enough, now to stop and evaluate myself and then I feel better. 

Another step in my healing I came to on my own terrms was that I cleaned the nursery. I cleaned out baby Clara's room. I put away all the baby clothes. I consolidated the entire room into 4 tubs of things, the broken down crib and the changing station is still set up with the baskets full of newborn diapers and cloth diapers. I don't stare at them and feel saddness. I look at them and wonder how I ever ended up with so many diaperrs.  Funny how things work out. I just got up the courage to breakdown the nursery, which wee still refer to as Baby Clara's room, and I think we're on the verge of trying again for baby #3. I am excited and terrified at the same time. I know I always say it but I do plan to keep up this blog more. Especially with the anticipation of a pregnancy, I can't leave you guys in the dark. 

I also need to do a photo update! Noah has had a great season in soccer!! We decided not to go back to tball for the spring and we stayed with soccer. We were luck to be on the same coach's team. Coach S is great and I think Noah really looks up to him. He's on the team with two of the same boys he was with in the fall. It's great to see the three of them interact and work together. After soccer, Noah will probably go back to swim lessons and I'm also looking into some kind of sports camp for the summer that doesn't interfere with our vacation plans. Kindergarten coming in the fall and I can't wait to see how that goes!!

Well, thank you all for hanging in there with me and supporting me. I have the other parts of my pregnancy and birth saga in drafts. I just have not had the guts to post. I know this is a public blog and I don't want to face the scrutiny. Thank you all again for everything and for hanging in there with me!! I look forward to sharing with you soon! 

My recap of 2012. . .

2012 was my year of learning. I learned more about myself, my marriage, my family and my life this year than in any other. I learned what real pain feels like. I learned what true saddness and grief are. I know what it's like to have deep regrets on thisngs that I truely don't get the chance to do over again. There's nothing that I can say or do to change my regrets.

This year I've built a better relationship with God. I've learned to trust him and to just have faith that God is in control. I'm living His plan for me and I just need to trust.

This year I had my world shattered. I didn't trust myself, my body, my family or my husband. I still sturggle with trusting my own judgement but I'm getting better.

I leave 2012 as a broken person who is healing. I'm looking forward to a new year and a new me. I have some great goals for 2013 and I hope to share them with you!

My first dream.

I had wondered when and I wondered how. I wondered if it would ever happen to me but hey, in this new life of mine I rarely wonder that. What am I talking about? Well, the title gave it away. A dream, THE dream. You all know, the dream when you get to see your baby again or get some great message, feeling, revelation from your angel baby? Well, I had one. It was, gosh I can't even remember the night that it was. I think it was Tuesday night, July 3rd. For me, though, it wasn't any of the above. It wasn't a warm dream but then again it wasn't a horrifying nightmare. It started out like a regular day. I was going about my business and running errands. At some point I went to the doctor. I was being examined and was talking to the nurse and all of a sudden I felt like I had to go to the bathroom. I got up and there was a gush of fluid and I thought that was really strange but went on about my business and then all of a sudden, I got that feeling. The feeling that I had just before Clara were delivered. I didn't panic and I wasn't scared. The next thing I knew, I was holding a tiny baby, much like Clara. This time, everything was different though. I was calm and didn't panic. I wasn't stressed and I wasn't scared.

I don't know what the dream meant and I don't know why it came to me but maybe it was a sign. Maybe it was exposure to a different perspective. The scenario of the dream was much like the delivery of Clara, very unexpected. I didn't feel like I was being spoken to or that there was a clear message but it was so surreal to actually relive that moment and have it play out so serenely. I am still hoping and praying for a dream where Clara comes to me to tell me she's okay and that everything is okay but I suppose that's just me searching for peace and comfort. Have any of you found peace and comfort or have any of you had a special dream like that? Let's share.

Still hanging around.

Thank you ladies for all of your love and support. Today is 4 moths since my sweet baby girl was born and went to heaven. Most days I struggle with the loss and how profound an effect it has had on me emotionally as well as physically. I cry sometimes, I hurt alot. It seems like if it's not one thing it's another. If I feel great physically, I'm usually riding an emotional rollercoaster and if I'm good emotionally I always seem to have some pain. It's usually my arm, my chest, my head of something crazy. It feels like all I do is go to doctors and of course, no one believes me. I feel like a lost cause and like no matter what I say or how I feel, nothing will be wrong and it will all be in my head. My doctors will think I'm crazy and then my family will to. That's what I fear the most is losing the love and support of my family. Lord knows, I really don't deserve it. I spent a great deal of my adolecents and young adulthood being a very mean, hateful, disgusting person. I hurt those around me and have done things that I can't take back. For everything I truely am sorry. I've written personal letters to those that I've hurt and tried my best to accept their forgiveness but I guess after so much it comes back to me. I guess I just can't accept it. I don't feel worthy of love.

I was reading Fifty Shades of Grey and recently finished book two. Now, in all reality, this series is just written porn but if you look past all of that the main character, Christian Grey,has a very interresting up bringing and while I cannot relate to the greater part of his childhood I get where he doesn't feel worthy of being loved. People around me tell me they love me and they do nice things for me and they're always there for me but I feel like in a crisis, I just can't turn to them. Partly because I fear that they won't be there for me and partly because I just don't feel like they care that much. I went to the hospital in the middle of the night a couple of weeks ago. My in-laws were spending the night but I just couldn't shake the feeling I was having and desperately needed a physicians consult. I got up, got dressed and left home, headed to the hospital about 2 a.m. I didn't call, text or tell anyone. I went alone because I didn't want to inconvenience anyone. I did text my mom around 4 a.m. as well as the hubs. Eventually my mom came to sit with me, just in time for them to discharge me. I hate when that happens, and it's the second time too. The first time was when I had to go back to the ER after Clara was born. I needed some spare parts removed and by the time  I let my mom know and asked her to come be with me she made it just in time for the doctor to come back in and discharge me. Same thing this time. I tried so hard to just not bother anyone but I needed someone to comfort me and as the doctor was telling me my test were negative and giving me his diagnosis, my mom walked in and 10 minutes later the nurse came in to discharge me. Again, I felt like such an inconvenience, granted I suppose my mom only got up about an hour early and we both still made it to work on time but jeez, to come all the way to me for nothing, I felt like dirt, as if I had wasted her time. I told her how I felt and that I felt that way because after crying wolf so many times people will stop responding. Even though in my heart I truely feel like something is wrong with me physically, nothing is showing up so I sontinue to waste time and money to search for an answer.

Well, I'm looking forward to getting back in to blogging and updating daily. The hubs was recently transfered closer to home and has a much more stable work schedule so I should have more time to be able to sit and let my thoughts flow! That's all I have for tonight. I'm physically and mentally exhausted!  I love you all and thanks again for your support and kindness.



Baby Clara,

As your due date inches closer and closer I feel the anxiety and saddness of the reality that you're not joining us. Noah continues to talk about you and love you so much. I've told him many times that you're so proud of him and his accomplishments and that you love him so much. He know that you live with Jesus and that you were too small to live here with us. He misses you so much. Please continue to watch over us and hold us close. The other day I told one of my good friends about you and our story. His wife went to heaven last August and she too had a baby, a little boy who went to Heaven when he was a baby. He was older than you but he went well before his mommy and daddy were ready too. So, I told my friend about you and that in the first few days after you had gone to Heaven I prayed to his wife that she would find you and hold you for me. So, if you've met a wonderful, beautiful, kind, gentle, loving woman named Betty, then that's her! I pray that she finds you and gives you tons of hugs and kisses. She's such a saint and will teach you very great things. She is missed so dearly as are you. I pray that Grandma and Grandpa B are up there with you and your cousins Ka'am and Lindsey. I pray that you're not alone and that you are comforted and never wanting. I pray all of these things for you Sweet Baby Clara and I pray for our peace and comfort in knowing that you are as perfect as you ever were and that one day we will all be together. I love you sweet girl and I miss you more than words can say.

Love you Lots, Miss you Much.
Momma.

Sometimes I just need a break.

The waves of emotion I feel are unbelievable. I cannot even verbayy describe how stressed and busy I feel. Some days I feel like I'm trapped right beneath the surface and just can't seem to break through and breathe. Other days I feel like the old me. One thing I have noticed the most is that I'm just not the same anymore. Big surprise, right?! Are any of us really the same after going through the things we've been through. One day I'm on the top of the world, the next in the bottom of the ocean. Some days I can't wait to be pregnant again and flirt with the thoughts of actually holding a sweet baby and giving Noah a sibling he can play with. Then others I sit and cry, thinking how hard it would be to have another pregnancy, to fight the fear every day. I dread the feeling of nerves and panic at every single twinge and cramp. I just can't fathom going through another pregnancy. Adoption is always an option but such a process. I feel so overwhelmed by everything in my life and where I am, physically and emotionally. Thank you all for hanging in there with me and continuing to support me. I am reading your blogs and I feel empowered by each of you. I promise to update more and SOON!!