Who is I?

I is the sweetest little girl! She is a hyperactive toddler with a strong, sassy, attitude! She is a healer and a hope. She is fun and loves shoes. I have the best time with her!!

When I found out I was finally pregnant in 2013, I was scared and excited. I made a promise to care for my baby, protect my baby, and do everything within my power to ensure a safe, healthy, successful pregnancy. I made a promise to myself that I would advocate for myself better than I had with Clara and that I would fight at all costs to get the two of us to the finish line.

As usual, I had a very textbook, relaxed, easy-peasy pregnancy. I loved every second of it! I was a beautiful pregnant women. I cherished every symptom, every flutter, movement, appointment, test, exam, and ultrasound.

I wrote letters weekly to my sweet baby with all of my hopes and dreams. Every letter expressing how loved and wanted the baby was.

Though I felt like I had a great relationship with my care team I always remember how they had let me down in the past and I wasn't willing to take that risk with my sweet rainbow baby. With the constant nagging feeling of being let down, abandoned, and left to fend for myself by my care team, I chose to seek a back up team that I could have on standby just in case my pregnancy started to change.

Four months in and we found out our rainbow baby was going to be a girl. I was so excited for the second chance to be the mother of a baby girl, to have a lifetime companion who I could shop and spa with.

She arrived at 39 weeks! I had been in labor all day but was determined to have a fund day out with N. My contractions were manageable and I knew that they could last for hours. N and I went out for lunch, to the beach, to the park, and all around! We had an amazing day. It was probably 2am when I knew it was time to go get checked.

My contractions had been 2 to 5 minutes apart for over 3 hours and lasting between 30-55 seconds. I was keeping track on some cool app that I had at the time. The contractions were getting more frequent and more painful. I drove myself to my primary hospital and told them I thought I was in labor. I was checked in and hooked up to a fetal heart monitor for about an hour. Then the doctor came in and told me I was not in labor that I had no recorded contractions. I asked her how they expected to monitor contractions when the sensor was not hooked up. She told me that she could have someone hook it up and that they would monitor me for a couple more hours and then I could be discharged.

I kind of blew her off as she was simply a resident and not part of my care team. I asked her, if I truly was not in labor then why was I in such pain? Rhythmic pain? She had no answer and advised that I would be discharged and should return if the pain persisted or got worse. I asked her, so what you're telling me is that I'm being discharged so that I can go back out front and check back in. She replied that I could do that if I felt it was necessary and left. The nurse came in to discharge me and I cried. I was so shocked that I was being blown off by my primary team, again!!

I managed my way home and then decided that I needed to seek a second opinion. I drove myself to my back up hospital and was welcomed by my team!! I was quickly checked in, roomed, and monitored. Confirmed to be in labor I was advised of my options. I was scared shitless at that point requested a c-section. By the time we made it to the OR I was 7cm and 20 minutes later baby I was born!

She was born ready! She was wide awake, hungry, and excited to be earthside. She latched like a pro and we had an amazing breastfeeding relationship for 15 months.

Now at two and a half, I loves baby dolls, playing mommy, fine dining, candy, shopping, and snuggling! She is an absolute sweetheart and I cannot wait to watch her grow.

What's been up with me?!?

Last I left off in 2013 I was a hot hot mess. I was in the depths of depression and full blown PTSD. Experiencing the loss of a child is horrific! Add to that the insult of being treated like a lunatic drug seeker by your healthcare team and it wrecks your life. After that experience I decided that medicine was not for me. I couldn't trust my judgement. I couldn't advocate for myself much less a patient who trusted me. I couldn't even walk by the hospital without getting a pit in my stomach, without panicking, without being put right back in the moment when I honestly thought I was dying.

I spent much of 2013 running to the ER struck with flashbacks, hallucinations, and pain. I became a burden to my family. The hubs never went with me or lifted me up so I began to rely on my mom to rescue me. Well, after a couple of late night calls to beg her to come sit in the ER with me I could tell that she was over me. I was becoming an inconvenience and a nuisance. I stopped calling. I began facing all of my battles and struggles alone.

I had to change my major in school. I had always been set on being a doctor. I wanted to be the best, be the smartest, and be the most successful but alas, I couldn't even look at the hospital without breaking a sweat. I dropped my pre-med major and switched to Health Administration. I tackled that coursework like a pro!! and graduated in December 2014 but I'm getting ahead of myself.

I struggled through day to day activities and lost the joy and happiness of living. I was simply surviving. I was afraid ALL of the time. I would sit at my desk and cry. I had so many triggers that would just set me off. In one of my most desperate moments I was lying on the floor in an exam room, at work, crying, begging, pleading for everything to stop! I was caught in the middle of the worst "attack" I've ever had. Coming out of it I decided that there was no one out there capable of saving me. I needed to save myself or I would consume myself. After that moment day-by-day I made little improvements.

The hubs and I welcomed our third baby in June 2014. Her delivery was also close to a disaster but for other reasons which I'll post about in the future but it was also a healing time. My pregnancy was uneventful. I enjoyed it but mostly just because I LOVE being pregnant. I had a hard time bonding with her after she was born. She was more my project and responsibility than my sweet new baby. We've come a long way and even enjoyed a great 15 months of actual breastfeeding (pumping until 2yrs).

In August 2015 we took another trip to Ireland! It was so much more enjoyable than our first as I was not actively battling PTSD and depression, fighting to survive. We rented an adorable apartment and traveled as we pleased. Baby girl handled the trip fantastically!! She is a born traveler.

In October 2015 I was accepted into a local nursing program. It has been an amazing journey and I am ecstatic to say that next week I will be starting my last 16 weeks of the program and plan to take my licensing exam at the end of May. Then we're off to Northern Ireland for our first experience there and then across to Scotland for another first!!

Well, that's the EXTREMELY condensed version of the last 3+ years. :)

-Victoria-