Starting from the beginning.

So, I guess to fully embrace the story of baby Clara Lynne, we should start from the beginning. It all started back in November 2011. After a summer full of trying for another baby I decided to give it a break and just wait until the next summer. I always wanted spring babies so my prefered time to conceive was  between June and September but since we had been unsuccessful, which was surprising to me, I decided that October would be our cut off date. Well, October came and went and we were not expecting. I was a little frustrated and a bit sad but knew that I had plenty of time to try again in the future.

One day early in November I was checking my email and I had an ovulation notice. I typically swore by them but like I said, I had planned to stop trying until the following summer, so I brushed it off. Well, low and behold hubs and I spent some quality time together over the next couple days. Since I knew I was worried or tracking, charting or trying I didn't worry about being pregnant but then about five days after my projected ovulation date I was waking up sweating and my leg muscles always felt tight. The leg thing I didn't have any ideas about and just kept stretching but I remember when I was pregnant with Noah, I always woke up hot. Since I had a sneaking feeling that I may be pregnant I bought a test and was going to wait to test until a couple of days before my period.

Well, everyone who know me knows that I'm not the most patient person in the world so I waited a day or two and decided to test, in the middle of the day, at work. I was 9 dpo (days past ovulation) and it was actually one of the days that I was taking a class during my lunch so I was preparing to leave the office for a couple hours. I did the test, tucked it in my pocket and headed to class. Once I got on the interstate I pulled out the test and Oh My Gosh!! I swear I saw two pink lines. The test line was super faint but I knew I saw it. As soon as I got to class I pulled out my notebook and wrote a letter to my sweet bean.

I decided that I would keep the pregnancy to myself for a while and just dream and relish in  the happiness that I had just to know that I was pregnant. Eventually I shared the news with the hubs. I planned all day. I put a hotdog bun in the oven and put a new, more clear test in it, just to make sure that there was no mistaking the two lines!! Once he got home I told him I wanted to toast some rolls for dinner and would he preheat the oven for me. He agreed and turned it on. I hollered to him to double check the oven for pans, he did and was excited! Though I told him 4 or 5 days after I found out, I told him mot to tell anyone. I still wanted to keep this precious secret.

I continued to write little letters and noted to the baby in my belly and hold my sweet secret close to my heart. I prayed to God about my baby and talked to my ever growing baby all the time!! Little did I know the wild ride we would take together...

Where do I even begin...

I'm so lost and so torn. I know my blog is outdated and boring but my life has been one wild ride. My goal is to get this thing updated and have a new post daily. I need to write all these things down. My experiences may help someone going through something similar and if they can then they definitely need to be shared.

I am Victoria. My sweet baby girl was born at 22 weeks on March 25. Today is her 4 week birthday but she isn't celebrating it here with me. She's not even celebrating in the NICU. She was born too early for the hospital to do anything to help her survive. She died shortly after she was born. This is the toughest journey of my life and though I have an amazing support system here with me I feel like I carry this burden alone. I hope to share with you all my story and my grief so that maybe we all can heal a little more.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of my baby or miss her. I have good days and bad days. Most days I still cry but there are some days when I don't. Sometimes I feel bad about that, you know, not crying or physically mourning my loss but other times I feel so overwhelmed by the dark cloud hanging over me I think that it will consume me. I also have a 4 year old son who understands to the best of his comprehension the things that are going on. He knows mommy is sad and if you ask him about being a big brother, he'll tell you, he is a big brother but his baby sister live in Heaven with Jesus and not here with us. Some days he still asks about when we will have a baby that we can bring home and I just don't have the answer for that. I don't know if I ever will.

I do want more children but I can't go through this again. I know there are women who have suffered many losses and still persevere, longing for that baby that they can bring home. I just can't be one of them. I don't think I can have another pregnancy and not worry and freak out every single day. If I could have it my way I would jump right back in to TTC (trying to conceive) but then it feels like I'm just trying to replace my baby.

Over the coming weeks I want to share my pregnancy and loss with all of you as well as my new thoughts from the day. Thank you for all of your support.

-VickB-

The fun starts again!!

This is what I call round 574923 in booting and updating the family blog. Well, N has been doing amazingly! He's so smart. He knows his letters, shapes and colors. We're working on his numbers but it's hard to do when you work full time and still have school. When N first started at his over priced preschool I was really excited. I knew that his would be such a great place for him to grow and develop in. Now, however, it seems more like fancy ghetto daycare. He goes outside all.the.time and the things that he knows, he know because of me!! If he didn't have all his little friends there I would definitely switch him to a different school. We're still trying to find the best school for him to attend for pre-k and beyond.

Red is doing great as well. He works alot and alot of people respect and admire him. I know he'll do great things in this company and will be there for a long time. Reds dad has spent alot of time with us too. Ever since he and his family came into our lives it has been nothing but amazing. N loves them, we love them and they really help complete our family!

Me, well, I've been soo busy. I love work and I keep coming up with new and creative things to do at work to help make my job more reliable and efficient! Super fun stuff. Spring semester started today and I have 4 classes this semester. I have 2 health something classes, biology (again) and college trig! Yikes! Anyone out there love trig or know the secret?? Let me know!

This may be my last semester in college for a little while because Red and I are expecting our second baby!! Yep, that's right!! Baby #2 is due in July/August! I say both because technically my DD isn't until August 3 but I hope to go the end of July, naturally. Well, mostly any way.

So my loves! Here's to a new year, a new beginning and new fun!!

Back up and Running, kind of

Yay!! We survived Christmas and we got the internet back up and running!! So, Friday night, you know, Christmas Eve!?!? I was trying to track Santa on noradsanta.com for Big Bean. I thought it would be fun for him and we could do a little geography lesson of sorts but the modem for the internet connection died!!! Umm HELLO?!? How do people live without the internet these days! I know, kind of spoiled bratish but it was tough. We survived.

Well, we had our family Christmas Eve party and Big Bean was a little clingy and a little warm. Of course he had his usual cough but I wasn't too worried. Boy. Was. I. Wrong. After everyone left Christmas Eve, Big Bean, started feeling really warm and became really fussy, asked for a paci (which he hasn't had in 4 months) wouldn't let me put him down and had a pretty bad melt down which resulted in him throwing up on our bed and on the carpet. I started the tylenol and motrin every 3 hours, got him cleaned up and we snuggled and cuddled pretty much the whole night. Needless to say, Santa didn't make it to our house until 7:30 am.

Other than that and a couple bouts of fussiness, exhaustion and excitement on Christmas day, we had a really good time. Stay tuned for Christmas post and pics!!

'Til the season...

Life has been the same old same old around here. Red and his dad have had tons of fun bonding and catching up this year. We are so blessed to have discovered his father!! Also a couple weeks ago Big Bean had his ear tubes, from 11/08, removed and had a brand new set put in. Now, he doesn't necessarily need the new set but I figured, hey, they have to put him under to remove his old tubes and it's going to cost the same so we might as well get a new set put in just to save us all the time and hassle of possibly having to re-do them if we ran in to problems down the road. Big Bean is now set as far as tubes go. This will be his last set and they are due to come out either the end of 2012 or the beginning of 2013!! Wow! Where is time going?!?! I swear it feels like I graduated high school a year ago. On the other hand I have been at my current job for going on 5 years!

Speaking of school, I just finished another semester! I received two A's and a B! Yay for me!! I was ecstatic to receive the B as it was in microbiology. It was a pretty tough class. Now, I'm looking forward, so to speak, to my spring classes. I have a chemistry, a math and an elective. I'm still pretty open in my degree track but hopefully one day all of this maddness will result in a degree!

That's all for now! Big Bean apparently is still awake!!! Time to go work on that. Until next time!! Love you all.

Not much going on...(okay maybe a little)

The title really explaines it all. We've been busy with all of the usual, you know, work, school, cooking, cleaning, LIFE!!! Big Bean never had his two year old pictures taken. I feel like a bad mom for that because ever since Big Bean was a newborn we had professional pictures done on a monthly basis. After he turned 1 we dropped to every 3-4 months and then he turned 2 and we just never got them done. How sad. Anyway, now that he's pushing two and a half and it's fall his school is getting ready to have their pictures done so I assume it will be just like last year when we technically missed his first pictures and we will purchase the ones from his school.

In other news, Big Bean is fully potty trained. No more diapers!! No more pull-ups!! (though he didn't even go through a whole pack before decidin they weren't for him) he hasn't even had a night accident in 3 weeks AND!!!.............wait for it!!...............NO MORE PACI!! Yes ladies and gentlemen! That is CORRECT! Big Bean has been without his BFF paci since the first Thursday this month!! Yay for him! I guess he's taking changing his name to Big Bean very seriously! Where is the time going? I mean, no more diapers, no more paci, no accidents, he speaks insentences, tells jokes, sings songs! How amazingly wonderful to see my baby grow up but also, how amazingly sad!

This week I also completed and submitted my applications for the next step in my education. I applied for a nursing program and 2 different bachelors degree programs. They are all very competetive and while I don't necessarily expect to be accepted into one of the programs on my first attempt I feel as if I am definitely a stong contender and will undoubtedly be disappointed if not accepted into one of those programs. We will see! The application deadlines are October 1 and I assume I should know of my acceptance or rejection no later than November 1. I will do my best to update and post as soon as I know something but as we all know based on my track record I am not that reliable when it comes to updating! So until next time everyone!! Stay safe and love strong!!

Lounger...

Well, Big Bean is beginning to feel more like himself, I suppoose. He still likes to lay around and be a lazy bones when at home but maybe it's just a comfort thing. Other than that it seems he's on the up swing from his teething. That's so weird how he can cut all of the other teeth in his mouth with not so much as a runny nose and then his 2yr molars come along and knock him on his hiney! I've felt bad for him but I would be lying if I told you that I wan't enjoying his snuggliness and clinginess! Oh, how I'll miss these times! Now for a couple pics!!!

Lounging in Mommy & Daddy's bed!!

Just Relaxing!

Lazy bones!

An oldie but oh what a cutie!